Gracefully

I want to grow old gracefully.  I don't know how to do this and the youth enamored culture we attempt to survive in isn't doing anything to help!

I look in the mirror and hear Jane Austen's the words describing Anne Elliot, "she has lost her bloom."

I feel the skin on my face sagging around my eyes, my mouth,  my neck.  I want to feel proud of the years I've lived, the wisdom I hope I've gained, and lessons I've learned.  I want to be proud of the gray hair that comes with age.

But I can't feel any of these.  I just feel old and sad.

I wish I had the courage to stop coloring my hair, but I don't.  I want to embrace life with enough "Who Gives a Damn" that I just don't give a damn.  But I find my ego standing in the way, brow extremely furrowed (creating more wrinkles), finger wagging, giving a damn.

It makes me sad that I am not accepting age as easily as I had hoped.  Actually, age doesn't bother me, just looking like an old hag does.  The fact that the term "old hag" is even in our vocabulary is irritating.

I don't really know what to think with regards to watching myself age.  I envy the cultures that either don't have mirrors, or choose not to use them.  I have an image of myself in my head (probably from around 15 years ago) that I tend to use when I envision myself.  The problem arrises when I actually see myself in current candid video or photographs, I feel like I'm suddenly seeing me the way everyone else sees me, as opposed to the "ideal image" I have of myself.   I say candid photography, because if I know a picture is being taken, I am vain enough to make sure I'm facing the camera to get the best angle.

You know, it's like seeing an actor in the present that starred in a movie 20 years ago.  You imagine they still look the same, and then you are shocked to see how "old" they look.  I don't like the surprise I feel when I honestly "see" me.

I don't spend too much time in front of the mirror.  It gets depressing.  If I'm having a bad hair/face day, I duck quickly out of the bathroom and pretend it's all better than it is.  I conjure up the "ideal image" and convince myself that everyone sees it.  Then I avoid my reflection for the remainder of the day.

I don't like to admit I'm this vain, but there it is.  I want to look pretty.  I'm getting old (older) and sadly in our culture "pretty" and "old" are rarely used in the same sentence, especially where women are concerned.  Unless of course someone is describing the woman as suddenly looking"pretty old."

I really hate this topic and wish it didn't bother me.  I don't want to fight getting old.  I just want it to go away.  I want to matter without worrying about appearances.  I don't want to judge others or worry about being judged by others.

I want to disappear, just fade into the background. shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh