It's all good!

Another Thanksgiving Day has come and gone, and I'm thankful (get it) that I can say the day was wonderful.  :)

I started my day around 7:30 when my Little One came into my room to let me know she was hungry. I grabbed a banana (her choice) and quietly plopped her down in front of the tv, turning on PBS.  It's a holiday (for crying out loud), and I wasn't ready to get up at 7:30!  I was very thankful for PBS kids programing.

I drug my self back up stairs and crawled into bed.  I tossed and turned for a couple of minutes with thoughts of un-roasted turkey, dressing, pies, and necessary oven space bouncing around in my head. After a few more minutes, I found the necessary energy to once again remove myself from my snuggly bed and head down to the kitchen.

Once there, I figured out how I wanted to roast the bird, pre-heated the oven, and slid the turkey in. I quickly realized that since the bird was tucked in and cozy warm it that sounded like a pretty good idea for me too.  I returned again to the snugginess of my bed and crashed for a couple more hours.  It was glorious! ;)

I rejoined the land of the living around 10ish and began more prep for the upcoming meal.  My mom is here visiting (very thankful about that) and we had twelve others planning to join us for the day.  I was excited to be hosting Thanksgiving for the first time in this house.  We had it all planned out. 

• Fire in the fireplace 
• turkey in the oven
• coffee brewing
• apple cider at the ready
• basement set up with toys for the five kiddos 
• den ready for the big kids
• snackies in the dining room to hold everyone over until meal time
• more pies than is ever necessary

Friends began arriving around 2:00 and we took our time pulling everything together for the meal.  It was a marvelously relaxing, cozy afternoon.  We sat down to eat around 4:00 after having the kids share things they were all thankful for.  We have a thoughtful group of kids.  ;)  

Adults gathered around the big table.  Big kids sat at a side table. Little kids did a picnic on the floor in front of the fireplace. We ate.  We talked.  We laughed. 

I am thankful for a loving family (those who were with me today and those far away), for amazing friends, for joy, for hardships, for life, and love.  I am blessed, extremely blessed.

Just as one group of friends were leaving (around 8:00 p.m.) another set, who had been delayed due to bad weather, arrived.  The holiday continued!  Family and friends through the rest of the weekend.  

Life is good.  

Wild and Precious

I blinked and the week is gone.  It didn't really pass that smoothly, but looking back, it's all a blur!  I swear I had to have slept through a couple of those days (or at least sleptwalked through them).  Is that a word - sleptwalked - ??  I'm not sure, but it works here and I'm not taking the time to google the proper way to spell the past tense of sleepwalk.

As far as the hair thing goes, I still have a head full of it (multicolored, but full).  ;)

I think you can see a bit more of the natural color showing up.  ;)  YAY!!!

Since I didn't end up frying it with the Color Oops I was not brave enough to just chop it off.  And once it was curly again (and lighter on top) I decided I liked my curls too much to get rid of them.   Plus, I'm sort of enjoying the idea of being able to see just how much new growth I get.  I'm excited by the ability to compare my old colored hair with the new clean stuff.  So for now, long locks it is.  ;)  We'll see if I get irritated and eventually mutilate this mangy mess.  But for now, all is well.

I feel honest and present with my natural hair color growing out, and I'm thoroughly enjoying this feeling.  I was not sure what I had expected to feel.  I don't know that I'd given it much thought, since the idea to grow out my gray hair sort of sneaked up on me all of a sudden.  I had given lots of thought as to why I was coloring it, lots of thought as to why our culture pressures women to remain looking young, lots of thought about the ethics of spending so much money on outward appearances, lots of thought on lots of hair color related topics, but not much thought on how I'd feel once I had taken the leap.

Post leap, I'm really loving it right now.  I'm also fully aware that this could change, so I'm going to enjoy every happy moment.  ;)  I feel so much more authentic.  We all wear masks and construct walls. Right now it's like I just busted down a huge wall, mask discarded in the dust, face fully revealed.  It's good.  It's really good! I feel empowered and happy.

However, If I'm being totally honest, I do have to admit that I have paid more attention to what I wore this week.  When going out in public, I made sure to dress relatively nice.  The thoughts going through my mind were something like this, "Well at least if they see my grays growing out and I'm dressed cute, they won't judge me so harshly for letting myself go."

As much as I want to tear myself free from cultural pressure and norms, I find I'm still haunted by worries about what complete strangers might think about me.  I'm working on that, but not there just yet. It's a journey, ya know.  ;)

I went back to WellSprings congregation today and took my entire family with me this time.  Again, it was wonderful!  Definitely found my people.

It was their Thanksgiving service and the pastor read the poem below.

The Summer Day

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-- the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down--
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
Mary Oliver, The House Light Beacon Press Boston, 1990.

After he read the entire poem, he repeated the last two lines.  

What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

Then four members of the congregation each spoke giving an answer to that question.  The first speaker was a six year old boy, followed by a "20's something" speaker, a "40's something" speaker and then a "60's something" speaker.  The span across the ages was fantastic, but so much more amazing than that was the complete and total vulnerability that each speaker exhibited in sharing his/her story.

I was moved to tears multiple times during the service, both by the details being shared and the comfort and safety provided by such a warm-hearted community.  Love was apparent and that is a beautiful thing!

So I'm going to drift off to sleep tonight meditating on that question.  What it is I plan to do with my one wild and precious life?  

The final speaker today ended her stories with a quote that resonated with me.

“I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough..” 
― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

I have not read The Notebook or seen the movie, but I'm thinking I might.  

Feeling all grown up

Spent some quality time with a good friend today.  :)  Feeling all grown up.  It's nice to be out of the house and talk about grown-up stuff.

As far as the hair experiment went, well . . . lets just say that it's not as drastic of a change as I was hoping it would be.  My roots are natural for an inch or so and then the color fades to an auburn, then to a dark brown.  Over all it's a bit lighter but does not have the "oh my goodness, what did you do to your hair???" factor I was hoping for.

In Color Oops defense, it clearly stated on the instructions that it really only removed the most recent color application.  It suggested that for multiple color jobs you would need to do multiple treatments.  I'm not sure I'll try it again, just not sure I want that much chemical on my hair.  You know, maybe in a month or so once I've been really kind to my hair for a bit.  

I took this picture just before I crawled into bed to blog this.  I only had about 3 1/2 hours of sleep last night (so over look the bags under my eyes).  You can sorta see the lightening, I guess.  It's not the best shot, but it's better than nothing.  The volume on top from my curls hides the actual gray some, but hopefully in a few weeks, it'll be growing out enough to really be seen.  :)

Also went to a different church this morning.  A good friend of mine attends Well Springs Congregation and I had been intrigued by her description of their services.  Decided I'd check it out today and thoroughly enjoyed myself.  Thanks ellebee for sharing the details of your place of worship!

peace

What I'm Thinking . . .

I'm thinking I'm tired of coloring my hair.  I'm thinking that since I've started a journey of blogging, started the journey to learn to draw (I think I've mentioned that here), started the journey to learn Spanish (I think I've mentioned that too), started the journey to spend more time with my photography, I might as well start the journey toward my true authentic self.  Why not!  Social norms be damned!

So, here are a couple of pictures of my hair today.  And yes, I took selfies sitting in Chick-Fil-A, using their free wi-fi, letting Little One burn off some steam in the play area.

You can sort of see the skunk streak starting down the center of my head, and gray around my temples peaking out too.

Tucking it behind my ears shows off the skunk stripe a little better.

I didn't really do much of anything with my hair this morning.  There was a Baroque concert for kids that I took Little One to this morning at 10:00, and it was about an hour away.  I found out about it yesterday (while at the aquarium).  We had a late night last night and I wasn't sure if I'd make it today.  Little One woke me around 8:00 am and I decided we'd try to make it.  We threw breakfast together.  Found something for each of us to wear, and rushed out the door (I had never been to the place the concert was and I didn't want to take any chances being late due to traffic or missed turns).

I ran a brush through my hair, pulled Little One's into a messy bun (there was certainly no time to tame her wild locks) and off we went.

So now,  here I sit, multi-colored hair (I've been trying desperately to find the right color, and failing miserably) and all, not fixed, taking pictures of myself in a public place.  It's all about the journey, right.  :)  And my hair is straight today as opposed to the naturally curl style I had worn it in for the past year.  Little One had been begging and begging and BEGGING to brush my hair.  Since I had not straightened it in over a year, Little One hadn't had the chance to brush it lately.  I don't even know if she remembered my hair being straightened.

Here's a shot of how I have worn my hair for the past year.


I bought a box of Color Oops at CVS.  It's a product that removes permanent hair color if you've made a coloring mistake.  I'm not sure how it will work with my grays.  I read and read and read about it online.  Most of the reviews and blogs had good things to say about it.  A couple said it turned their hair orange or brassy yellow.  I'm not sure what it will do, but I think I'm ready to find out.

If it fries my hair, I guess that's the universe telling me to cut it all off.  I have some friends who are rooting for this option.  ;)  I'm not sure what I want to happen.  I like my hair being long and it's been shorter than I'm accustomed to since I've been wearing it curly.  I've been saying for a while that my hair is growing up instead of out.   As I've really caressed and cared for my curls they have gotten tighter.  So instead of length, I've gotten more curl.

I've missed the length, so part of me is worried about how I will feel if I end up cutting it short.  The other part of me is excited by the possibility of such a drastic change.  One way or another I think I'm ready to take the leap.  :)

And like I said the other day, faith is all about stepping out on nothing and landing on something.  One way or another I know I have the rock that is all my wonderful friendships on which to land.

Here Goes Nothing!  ;)    wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From a Gratitude Group

The entry below is from a Gratitude Group I am a part of this month.  I decided to double up for today since I missed a couple in the past week.  I liked what I wrote and thought I'd share it with a wider group.

So I missed an entire week. Life just seems to run away with it's self sometimes. I am grateful for an amazing group of friends (in this group and beyond). Life makes sense to me only through the paths we share together. I simply cannot imagine my life without the amazing people I am blessed to call friends. A few of my friends go back as far as I have memories, others trickle in during my school days, then others college, and then many throughout my adult life. When I stop to consider the amazing group of people who I know "got my back" I am bumfuzzled by just how blessed I am.

I am not alone. I am never alone. I struggle with my belief in "the almighty" or "god" or whatever you do or do not want to call "her." But one thing I never doubt is my belief in my friends. I've heard the statement that "Faith is stepping out on nothing and landing on something." That something for me is friendship. I may not be able to answer all the questions this life throws at me. I may get knocked down and almost out by various troubles. However, I always, always, always, always, always know I've got people. Serious friend people. I will never be able to fully express my gratitude for such a solid rock faith. Thank you to everyone who makes up the rock on which I am able to stand. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Sick and Tired

I spent the better part of two days sleeping.  If only it had been just because instead of because I felt like I'd been hit by a mac truck!

Tuesday I felt a bit tired.  Wednesday I didn't actually pull myself out of bed until around 3 in the afternoon (well, I got my middle one off to school and then crashed again).  Around 3:00 pm I drug myself downstairs to watch the little one play and promptly fell back asleep on the couch.

After snoozing there for a bit, I woke to find a wonderfully cozy dinner consisting of grilled cheese and tomato soup (thanks to my dear hubby).  After enjoying that, I trudged back upstairs and back to bed.  I read books to the little one and then snuggled with her while we both fell asleep (promptly around 7:00 pm).

Hubby got the middle one off to school this morning, and hung with oldest and littlest until he left for work.  I rested more this morning, hoping that the throbbing in my head would eventually decline.  It did, sort of and I have felt a bit better throughout the day.  I actually went to a massage therapist today because I was aching so much.  She worked on my upper body the entire time.  I carry stress much too well across my shoulders.

I google-chatted with a dear friend for a bit (which is always refreshing).  Found myself and little one a simple dinner (the big kids must fend for themselves as hubby is away at work) and then tucked myself away in my room.

I took a bit of time for drawing before bed tonight.  I read a bit more in the drawing book and practiced on the next activity (working with noticing lines, curved and straight, in your surroundings).  It was fun.

I think I've decided not to color my hair any more.  I'm sick and tired physically, but more than that I'm sick and tired of messing with the color in my hair.  I really miss my old color.  I loved the color of my hair and never once wanted to change it or highlight it.  I colored my hair for one reason and one reason alone, to cover the gray.  It has bugged me ever since.  I felt so fake.  I know this is just me and lots of people color their hair and absolutely love it.  But me, I always felt fake and frustrated at myself for not having the courage to just be me.  Popular youth-loving culture be damned.  ;)

I've decided to try to let all the color grow out.  I really don't want to cut my hair short, so I'm going to see if I can handle the growing out process, and just trim a little at a time.  We'll see.  Hopefully I won't need anyone to hold me accountable aside from myself, but again we'll see.  So, my journey toward a more authentic me begins.  Yikes!

Gracefully

I want to grow old gracefully.  I don't know how to do this and the youth enamored culture we attempt to survive in isn't doing anything to help!

I look in the mirror and hear Jane Austen's the words describing Anne Elliot, "she has lost her bloom."

I feel the skin on my face sagging around my eyes, my mouth,  my neck.  I want to feel proud of the years I've lived, the wisdom I hope I've gained, and lessons I've learned.  I want to be proud of the gray hair that comes with age.

But I can't feel any of these.  I just feel old and sad.

I wish I had the courage to stop coloring my hair, but I don't.  I want to embrace life with enough "Who Gives a Damn" that I just don't give a damn.  But I find my ego standing in the way, brow extremely furrowed (creating more wrinkles), finger wagging, giving a damn.

It makes me sad that I am not accepting age as easily as I had hoped.  Actually, age doesn't bother me, just looking like an old hag does.  The fact that the term "old hag" is even in our vocabulary is irritating.

I don't really know what to think with regards to watching myself age.  I envy the cultures that either don't have mirrors, or choose not to use them.  I have an image of myself in my head (probably from around 15 years ago) that I tend to use when I envision myself.  The problem arrises when I actually see myself in current candid video or photographs, I feel like I'm suddenly seeing me the way everyone else sees me, as opposed to the "ideal image" I have of myself.   I say candid photography, because if I know a picture is being taken, I am vain enough to make sure I'm facing the camera to get the best angle.

You know, it's like seeing an actor in the present that starred in a movie 20 years ago.  You imagine they still look the same, and then you are shocked to see how "old" they look.  I don't like the surprise I feel when I honestly "see" me.

I don't spend too much time in front of the mirror.  It gets depressing.  If I'm having a bad hair/face day, I duck quickly out of the bathroom and pretend it's all better than it is.  I conjure up the "ideal image" and convince myself that everyone sees it.  Then I avoid my reflection for the remainder of the day.

I don't like to admit I'm this vain, but there it is.  I want to look pretty.  I'm getting old (older) and sadly in our culture "pretty" and "old" are rarely used in the same sentence, especially where women are concerned.  Unless of course someone is describing the woman as suddenly looking"pretty old."

I really hate this topic and wish it didn't bother me.  I don't want to fight getting old.  I just want it to go away.  I want to matter without worrying about appearances.  I don't want to judge others or worry about being judged by others.

I want to disappear, just fade into the background. shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I Got People. I Got Pie.

Today a friend invited us over to make apple pies with the kids.  When I asked what I needed to bring she said "Nothing. Just come!"  I had taken my littlest one to an activity at 11:15 and told my friend I'd head her way when it was over.  Once it ended, I realized that I had forgotten to pack lunch before we left the house.  I called my friend to ask if I could borrow her oven while the pies were being prepared so I could cook a grab-n-go pizza.  She vehemently refused because she said she had plenty of food and she didn't want me to have to make another stop.

With a big smile on her face, she kept saying, "I have plenty of food, just come on!"

So little one and I went, empty handed and hungry.  We left a couple hours later, bellies full, carrying a beautiful pie home to the rest of our family.

I keep saying I have the best friends on the planet, because I really do!

My life if full to overflowing with people who are thoughtful, loving, kind, generous, unselfish, giving, and encouraging.  I don't know that I deserve such good friends, but I am wonderfully grateful to have them.

There are moments (sometimes they last longer than others) when it feels like life is just s#!t.   Sometimes the moments threaten to overwhelm me.  I find myself crawling under my covers, curling up into the fetal position, and promising to never peek my head out again.  I've cried until I'm just plain tired of crying.

I feel alone, sad, scared, angry, frustrated, helpless, hopeless, and the list can go on and on.  But eventually a small miracle happens.  Something stirs inside me (I'm really having a hard time finding the right words to communicate this feeling) and I notice the love/prayers/light/energy/thoughts of a friend, and I'm not alone.  I slowly realize that the moment will pass.  I have friends, amazing friends.

I got people!

Thank you people.

I am forever grateful.

Wait a minute

Since I've started this blog, I keep having random thoughts pop into my head about things I'd think I'd like to write about.  I even had to put one into my phone in the middle of the night last night.

I've never been a writer (I've mentioned this before), so this feeling of having a thought that I'd like to get out of my head and down on paper (or blog) is new.  I have never really been able to connect fully with someone who mentioned something burning inside them and it just "bursting forth" onto the page.

I can't say that that will happen here, especially since these thoughts dance in front of me just long enough for me to smile, and then they quickly scurry off into the nether regions of my brain. Maybe if I keep at this things will settle into some sort of stack somewhere in my head.   And eventually I'll find the pile and neatly go through it one memory at a time and watch astounded as "inspiration" pours from me.  :)

However the thought of that makes me chuckle, because right now inside my head it feels much more like a scene from Love Actually.  Remember when the author (played by Colin Firth) is sitting down by the lake typing and his housekeeper brings him a fresh cup of coffee.  When she picks up his old cup to replace it, she discovers that he had been using it as a paperweight for his entire manuscript.  The wind immediately blows most of the pages up into the air where they fall into the lake.  There's no lake in here, so I picture my ideas just floating around scattered.

Up until recently the name of our wifi was "Scattered" because that was the only word that came to mind when the technician was at the house setting everything up.  My husband eventually changed it, and I'm glad.  I don't need to constantly focus on the chaos.  And believe me, there is plenty of chaos. Chaos often has full run of this house, so we don't need to give it any more props than necessary.

I'm going to focus on finding that stack of thoughts.  Or better yet, maybe I'll just focus on trying to get a stack started to begin with. We'll see if I can't eventually get the scattered feeling to disappear and replace it with something a bit more calm.

I just keep telling myself to be present in the present moment.  Focus on now and take a deep breath.  I forget this all the time.  NO, I am going to rephrase that more positively.  I'm going to work on remembering to be calm and present.

My freshman year of high school I became friends with an amazing person  She has been wonderful friend for many years.  I don't know if I've ever mentioned this to her, but she had a very positive influence on with with regards to stress and hurrying.  I learned from her that getting in a hurry when you are late doesn't do anything but make later.  When you rush, you mess up and that makes things take even longer.  I think I learned to be event oriented rather than time oriented from her  (much to my mother's chagrin). Whenever I feel myself stressing, hurrying, and rushing I try to take a breath, recall her calm energy, and let some of the angst go.

So . . . breathe in, hold, exhale (4x).  I'm going to focus on walking not running; being not doing; honoring not ignoring.

And none of what I just wrote was any of the thoughts I'd had earlier.  I'll let you know when the pile starts to take shape.  ;)

Oh, and I did finally get out with my real camera (only for about 5 minutes, but at least I wasn't trying to drive) and take a couple of shots of fall color.  Maybe I'll share a couple of those soon.

Two days in a row! ;)

There is a lot going through my head right now, but I'm also quite tired.  I'm participating in a Gratitude group on facebook and I've read most of today's posts.  These are some amazing people and their vulnerability and willingness to share is touching.

I wanted to write more about my day, but my eyes are rebelling and I'm having trouble convincing them otherwise.

I'll summarize with a few photos (thus giving a nod, be it ever so small, to my photography itch).

Voted for good friend for judge today, fingers crossed she wins!

Reorganized vitamin/first aid cabinet.  Created makeshift dowel rods out of pencils in order to repair double layered "Hardworking Susan."  Calling her Lazy Susan just doesn't seem right when she works so hard.    ;)

Snapped this shot of beautiful fall colors leaving the voting facility.  I just used my camera phone and I was actually still driving (don't worry, it was an empty street and I slowed way down), so not exactly a fulfilling photography experience, but it certainly made me smile.

Played with my Little One with glow sticks left over from Halloween.  It's amazing how a child's ability to get lost in the moment can be so re-energizing.  It's always wonderful to get a glimpse of something through the eyes of a child.

Other things I got done (and somehow I never got my coffee):
made bed
facetime with Sister and niece via skype, YAY
short g-chat with girlfriend
emptied leaves out of goldfish pond and chatted with a friend on phone for a bit (simultaneously)
found 'My Littlest Pony' toy that little one had lost in huge pile of composting leaves in garden (big sigh of relief!)
repaired playmobile toy for little one
made evite for little one's upcoming birthday party
posted future art idea for our littles co-op
started gratitude response
clean and sweep
lunch for me and little one
voted with little one
took oldest to play practice
got groceries
picked oldest up from play practice
helped little one take a swim in the kitchen sink
took care of a few emails
made dinner
cleaned up dinner
spray painted bathroom fixture
made copies for hubby
played with glow sticks with little one
talked with God-Daughter
sent voice recordings to Gams, Papaw, Onie and Milla Mable from little one
read with and tucked little one in bed
finished gratitude response
read other's gratitude responses
reconnected briefly with a couple of friends on facebook
visited with hubby, when finally home from late evening at work
visited with oldest about all sorts of theological/philosophical ideas
tucked middle one in
blogged

"Goodnight, Westley.  Good work, sleep well, I'll most likely kill you in the morning."

So much for blogging every day.  I'm still trying to figure out where the last five days went!

I'm also trying to figure out how to do something every single day that isn't something that physically my body must do in order to keep living.

I breath daily, eat daily, drink daily, sleep daily, use the facilities daily.  All of these things happen in order to keep my body going.  I also care for my family daily.  This doesn't keep my body "alive" but it sort of works to keep my family alive (which I consider to be rather important).

The problem appears when I try to add activities for which I must carve out some specific time for myself.  I'd like to journal (blog) daily.  I'd like to meditate daily.  I'd like to spend a few uninterrupted moments talking with my husband and each of my kiddos daily. I have told myself that I'm going to try to work on my fledgling art skills (drawing) daily.  I'd also like to spend 15 min each day learning Spanish (I know I need more, but I'm having trouble doing this).  I seriously need to exercise (other than running around my house like a mad woman attempting to keep the laundry, dishes, and dust at bay) by doing yoga or jogging daily.  I would like to spend time on the piano or trumpet too.  This wouldn't necessarily have to be daily, but several times a week.  Then there's the desire to dedicate a tiny bit of time to photography.  I have been wanting to go capture the colors of fall, before all the leaves fall, and I've yet to make time.

I feel like I'm always running somewhere, or taking care of someone or something, but I never feel like I get much accomplished.  It's like I'm Fred Flinstone scrambling around with the Fred Flinstone Scrambling noise banging around in my head. Or better yet, like I'm Wylie Coyote and I've just run off the edge of a cliff, feet still pumping, only to pause for a moment and then plummet to the canyon floor far below!

Maybe I'm trying to do too much.  Maybe I'm just not that great at self-discipline.  Maybe I'll figure it out tomorrow.