Yay!

Been a terrific day.  :)

Had dinner and a good chat with a friend at our favorite restaurant, yay!

Got a new shirt (from Goodwill, my favorite store) from my God-daughter, and it's a Jane Austen shirt of all things, double yay!

Spent about an hour hanging out and chatting with my Middle One.  She's in 6th grade and my social butterfly, so her time is often dedicated to her friends.  I find it wonderfully special when I get a small window into her world and she shares her thoughts with me, triple yay!

And lastly, here is a shot of the continued Going Gray process. I didn't actually plan to take this shot so my hair is just sorta doing it's own thing.  It looks rather swoopy on top in the picture, but oh well. :) And when I look at this shot it feels like my forehead goes on for miles!  LOL!

I'm still absolutely loving this journey of finding my authentic self, quadruple yay!

A little over four months into the growing out process.

The Artist

I read with my Little One every day.  We read a lot.  She is four and loves picture books, so we look at a lot of illustrations.  She is four, so she asks a lot of questions.  Questions like, "Why is she wearing a blue shirt?"  or "Why is there a bird in that tree?" or "Why does the house have an orange door?" or "Why does he have curly hair?"  or "Why is she taller than her friend?"

After many, many, many, many of these type of questions, and many, many, many well thought out and detailed answers, there are times when a mom just needs the book to be completed.  :)

At times like this, when endless questions about illustrations abound, I have found myself eventually answering, "I guess it's because that's the way the artist drew it."

Evidently this answer makes a lot of sense to the concrete mind of a four year old. Once I use this answer, she seems to simply accept that this makes perfect sense, and she never questions WHY the artist chose to draw it like that.

So earlier today, out of the blue, she wonders into the kitchen and says, "Mommy, can I ask you a question?" Which may or may not mean she has an actual question.  She might simply state that her name is now officially Panda Bear and then scamper back off to her toys.  She's four, you never know.

But this time she had a question.

"Mommy, if the artist makes us, who makes the artist?"

I love these little windows into the mind of a child.  I love seeing how she's working to piece her world together.  Seeing how she's learning to incorporate into her conversations all of the various words she hears.  Seeing her question and explore the world around her.

I am fascinated with how she uses language to express her thoughts and how it can reveal her level of understanding.

This is what I gleaned from her question.  Evidently, since "the artist" creates all of the illustrations, "the artist" is the creator. People and things in the books are created by "the artist," so all things must be created by "the artist."  Which means we are created by "the artist." And if there is an "artist" doing all of this creating, from whence did this "artist" come?

"If the artist makes us, who makes the artist?"

I'm not about to pretend like I can even begin to answer that question.  My answer to her was simply, "That's a wonderful question!"  And because she is four, that was all the answer she needed.

I love my Little One.  I love my life.

Life is continually being illustrated around me and, in my humble opinion, "the artist" is doing a stunning job!

Curve Ball

Sometimes life just throws you a curve ball.

I mean, you've completed spring training.  You worked your butt off at all the practices and pre-season games.  You played well in the season opener.  Your batting average is climbing.  You're learning how to see what might be coming from the pitchers a bit earlier.  You don't have all of the pitches figured out, but feel like you can stand in the batters box and take a swing with confidence. Even when the count is full, you have faith in all of the hours of batting practice.  You believe you'll make it on base. And then low and behold, the biggest curve ball of curve balls comes at you.

Three strikes.  You're out.

What I'm learning in life is that there are times when it doesn't matter how much you've practiced, prepared, studied, worked, struggled, and fought, you get thrown a curve ball and find yourself turning slowly and dragging your feet back to the dugout.

So here I sit, head in my hands, trying to figure out if there was something else I could have done, or some way I could have better anticipated the pitch.  Wishing I could call for a "do-over."  Wondering if I'd practiced a bit longer or worked a bit harder maybe I'd have made contact with that pitch.

But that game is over.  That pitch has been thrown. The bat has been silently swung. The call has been made. The out has been recorded.

Now what?

Now I'm going to sit with the silence and breathe.

Now I'm going to take time to take time.

I'm going to hug my kids and pay attention to how much taller they may be since the last hug.

I'm going to hear to the music playing in the background.

I'm going to watch spring slowly return.

I'm going to live, and love, and laugh, and learn.

Will I see the next curve ball when it's thrown?  Maybe so, maybe not.  Will I hit one out of the park or will I find myself once again sitting silently in the dugout?

Who knows?

If I'm triumphantly jogging the bases, head held high, watching the ball soar over the outfield wall, I'll enjoy that moment.  If I'm quietly returning to the dugout I hope  I will have learned how to be present in that moment too.

Four months into the "growing out" process!  :)

As for the 'going gray' process, I'm now four months in.  This is a shot of me sitting here as I finish up this blog entry.  I have not done a thing to my hair today aside from pull it back into a scrunchie.  Just thought I'd share a shot so you could see amount of gray that has grown in.

I'm still very much enjoying the process of returning to my authentic hair color.  There are moments when I think I'll cut off all of the colored hair and just try a short style so it's at least all one color.  Then I have a good curl day and I decide I like my curls too much to chop them all off.  I go back and forth.

I think I'll get some length trimmed off soon, just because.  Maybe I'll be in a courageous mood that day and just take more and more off.  We'll see.  :)

Maybe Someday

Well we're still working on the 'going gray' project.  Here's the most recent shot of the process.

Slowly but surely.

I still feel really excited about it.  It just seems to be taking forever.  I have not felt self conscious in public yet with the multi-toned color of my hair.  I'm not sure how I'll feel as is grows out more.  We'll see.

I'm also not planning to cut it anytime soon. I'm enjoying my curls at the moment and since hair that grows in circles rather than straight down takes forever to get long, I'm in no hurry to cut it short (that was a horrible sentence, and I know it, but I just don't care enough to fix it).  :)

Something that has been bothering me lately, since the gray doesn't, is my inability to escape the negative thought loop in my brain regarding my body image.  Our culture is so hard on women (and men too, I guess) with regards to body size and beauty constructs.

I hate how much emphasis is placed on being thin!  There are very few positive body image advertisements (if any).  The majority of messages women receive from television and print tells us we are never thin enough, young enough, or pretty enough.

I believe that I'm fairly confident in my self most of the time.  I don't ever wear makeup aside from the occasional application of a neutral lipstick.  I don't worry about what people think of my natural, no-makeup, look.  It doesn't matter to me.  I'm growing out my gray hair and loving it.  I don't stress about buying the latest fashions in clothes or shoes.  I want to look nice, but I do a large portion of my clothes shopping at Goodwill.  :)

With that said, I have to admit that I have not conquered my problem of checking the scale every morning.  And since I'm being honest, I usually weigh myself just before going to bed too.  I don't like it, but there it is.  I'm not totally obsessed, but bothered enough with it to check my weight a couple times a day.

I don't diet or restrict my calories  I use real sugar or flavored creamer in my coffee.  I can eat chips and dip like they are going out of style.  I just finished a huge piece of chocolate cake left over from my recent birthday celebration, and it's like 11:30 at night.  I don't stress enough about it to radically change my eating habits, but I do beat myself up mentally more than I'd like.

I feel chunky.  I see the natural curves that a 41 year old mother of three should have, and I wish they weren't there.  I don't like my cottage cheese thighs.  You never see cottage cheese thighs on tv or a magazine cover.  I don't even watch that much tv and I never buy magazines (although you can't avoid seeing them in line at the grocery store).   I know I'm not fat, but it's hard to feel satisfied with my size with such impossible standards being set everywhere around us.

I don't really know where I'm going with this.  It's just annoying.  There are so many more things that I wish filled my thoughts more.  I would love to just not worry about it anymore.  I certainly don't want my daughters to stress about it.  There is so much more to a person than their body size or bmi.  I want to be healthy and strong.  I want to not worry about it at all.  I want to be happy with my self and my health.  Maybe just saying it.  Acknowledging it.  Sitting with it.  Maybe it will help me let it go.  I'd love to let it go.

I'll let you know if I get there.

Back at the Computer

I finally found a moment to sit with my computer and attempt another blog entry.  I guess instead of going for daily, or even weekly, I'll set my goal for monthly and then be terribly pleased when I meet and then (fingers crossed) exceed my goal!  :)

2014 began a little over a month ago and it feels like it's been about three for four really busy days.  We had extra people in our home for some of that time and it was wonderful getting the chance to reconnect so well with them.  Having the number of people in your home basically double in size is an interesting and wonderful phenomenon.  You have the opportunity to learn things about yourself, your kids, and your guests in ways that a brief occasional visit could never teach you.

I really enjoyed seeing my kids experience and adjust to the differences in our home.  They welcomed our guests with open arms, rearranged living quarters and did a terrific job of creating space in our space for others.

There is always a bit of stretching required during something like this, and my kids certainly experienced that too.  There were definitely times of emotional growth, and like physical growth, there were growing pains.  I'm not gonna lie and try to make it seem like we all flowed together in perfect harmony the entire time, that's just not the case.  However, everyone was allowed the chance to express their concerns and feelings, and eventually every hurdle became simply a small speed bump. We continued along in our journey together, with greater appreciation, love, and respect for all of the members of our household.

I can honestly say that the experience reinforced once again my feelings about my blog title.  Life just makes since when we journey together.  This experience would definitely qualify as part of the "together" aspect, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

The going gray process continues.  I feel like my hair is growing much much more slowly now that I want the gray to show up.  It very much felt like I couldn't keep the gray hidden when I was trying to color it, like I had to touch up the roots every other day or so.  It wasn't that bad, but it sure felt like the gray was just spilling out the top of my head.

Now that I'm looking forward to seeing the gray grow out, my hair doesn't seem to change at all.  One of my girlfriends commented the other day that it looked like it was growing really fast.  I guess since I'm seeing myself on a daily basis I just don't notice the change, but for crying out loud!  It feels like the days are going by really quickly, but the hair doesn't change.

It's all about wanting what you can't have.  Don't want gray, can't stop it from showing up.  Ready to embrace the gray and all you can see is the old color treatment not growing out fast enough.  Whine and moan.  Moan and whine.  :) There's a lesson in there somewhere.  It'll get there.  I'll get there.

My littlest one is four and she is beginning to realize just how much she is no longer a "baby."  She is not enjoying this realization much at all.  She comments almost daily on how she wishes she was a baby again.  It's rather sweet and sad all at the same time.

I'm not ready for her to recognize that she is growing up.  I'm saddened by the fact that she is aware of her growing out of babyhood, and that it causes her frustration.  She constantly asks me to carry her. She has become much more needy of my attention.  I love it and feel a bit smothered all at the same time.  The amount of attention she desires from me is reminiscent of newborn days.

I'm doing my best to connect with her as much as possible right now.  We spent a huge amount of time together today, playing princess and puppy dog (her new $2.00 toy set from goodwill).  We cut up a priority mail box and turned it into a house for her princess.  We glued colorful paper down as carpet.  We fashioned couches out of an empty business envelope box, and covered those with colored paper too.  We made a tent for the dog from popsicle sticks.  We folded and taped paper together to make beds for the toys.  We have quite the set up.  ;)  Needless to say, Little One thoroughly enjoyed herself, and honestly I did too (at least once I had my coffee).

We are settled in and prepared for yet another winter storm.  They are predicting 6-12" of snow over night and through tomorrow.  It showed up just in time tonight to have them to cancel school tomorrow.  So for my birthday I get to sleep in!  Maybe I'll find time to collect my thoughts on another year of life and blog some more tomorrow.  Or maybe I'll just sit by the fire and eat cake and ice cream!

Oh!  I bought a box of Lucky Charms for my birthday breakfast.  I don't know who is more excited, me or my kiddos!  Looking forward to a snow covered, magically delicious,  happy birthday.  ;)

I should probably read back through this and edit it.  It feels rather awkward and I know I've rambled, but the fire is dying and my bed is calling.  I turned on the heated mattress pad an hour ago so my toes will be toasty warm.

snugs and peace

One Of These Days

Some day soon I'll find time to actually sit at my computer and blog. This is being done from my phone and it's a bit tedious!!!!

Life continues to happen much too quickly and I've missed writing. I'll get to it again I'm sure, just not sure when.

Until then I'll "just keep swimming, just keep swimming. . . " And I'll remind myself and everyone else that "it's always darkest just before dawn." And "behind every cloud there is a silver lining." And "we're all in this together." And yes I kind of can't stand those cheeky little sayings, but sometimes life shows you those sayings became so well known for a reason.

And as far as that 'all in this together' stuff goes, I wouldn't have it any other way!!! I'm stuck like glue to the main title of my blog, 'come walk with me the journey is long.'

This is a (insert preferred descriptive word here) long journey and the only way we're gonna make it is if we're hanging in there with each other. So thanks again to all of you who are walking with me and who allow me to join in your journey too.

l keep saying it because it's just so incredibly true, I have the best friends in the world. I am eternally grateful!!!

And just in case you are curious, I'm still going with the going gray plan and still loving it. I'll post an updated photo next time I'm at my computer. I have not figured out my new phone enough to do that with my blog yet.

Life is Good

It's been a few weeks since I last carved out time to blog.  There has been a lot going on here and I feel like I don't sit still for very long.

I can hardly believe that Christmas has already come and gone.  It seems a bit like a foggy dream.  I can remember it happening but it feels more like I just woke up and I'm trying to catch the details of the dream before they fade away.

We had lots of delightful times with my little family and friends over the holiday break.  And I'm wonderfully grateful for all of those times.  However, this was the first Christmas in my 40+ years of life that I didn't see my parents or sisters during the holidays.  It was a little weird.  I missed them and I think that is one reason it maybe doesn't feel like the celebration should be over just yet.  :)  It's like a part of me is still waiting for all of them to show up in order to fully complete the holidays.

It was also my first christmas without any grandparents still living.  I really missed my Grandma B. this year.  She passed away in August.  The kids used the stockings she had crocheted for them and that made me smile.  I have also been wearing the tan stocking cap she crocheted for my oldest a couple of years ago.  I wear it anytime I go out or just get a chill in the house.  It feels like she's a bit closer this way.  I miss her.

We stayed home this year and had friends here with us the entire time.  We played lots of games, watched a few movies, and did a bit of sightseeing.  Mostly we sat cuddled up around the fireplace enjoying hot chocolate (or coffee) and catching up.  Christmas day was a big pajama party.   The entire break was peaceful, wonderfully peaceful.

And now it's 2014.  I can hardly believe that 2013 is over.  I'm excited and hopeful for the year to come.  I feel more hopeful than I have in a long time and that is an amazing feeling.

I'm also really enjoying the 'going gray' process.  My natural hair color is a little more than an inch long now.  I do not feel old and haggish at all, but rather quite excited.  I feel more authentic and proud of my gray.  I'm excited to see my natural color instead of the fake color.  My natural brown (mixed with the gray) that I still have is so much darker than the color I was putting in.  I always liked my normal hair color.  I'm a little ashamed to admit that I ever colored my hair at all.  I wish I had been brave enough to just let it go gray the first time around, but hindsight is 20/20.  ;)

I took these today sitting in my living room, snuggled in my cozy pink robe.  I stayed in my pj's all day again today.  I slept very late (thanks to those here who distracted my little one) and didn't really do much of anything.  We warmed up leftovers of soup, chili, turkey, and veggies so no one really had to cook.

2014 is off to a quite start.  I feel rested and ready for the new year.  I'm sure everyday won't be quite.  I'm pretty sure I'd get bored if that were the case.  I'm looking forward to continuing this journey.  I'm eternally grateful for all of my amazing friends traveling along with me.

Life is good, Friends are better!  :)