Maybe Someday

Well we're still working on the 'going gray' project.  Here's the most recent shot of the process.

Slowly but surely.

I still feel really excited about it.  It just seems to be taking forever.  I have not felt self conscious in public yet with the multi-toned color of my hair.  I'm not sure how I'll feel as is grows out more.  We'll see.

I'm also not planning to cut it anytime soon. I'm enjoying my curls at the moment and since hair that grows in circles rather than straight down takes forever to get long, I'm in no hurry to cut it short (that was a horrible sentence, and I know it, but I just don't care enough to fix it).  :)

Something that has been bothering me lately, since the gray doesn't, is my inability to escape the negative thought loop in my brain regarding my body image.  Our culture is so hard on women (and men too, I guess) with regards to body size and beauty constructs.

I hate how much emphasis is placed on being thin!  There are very few positive body image advertisements (if any).  The majority of messages women receive from television and print tells us we are never thin enough, young enough, or pretty enough.

I believe that I'm fairly confident in my self most of the time.  I don't ever wear makeup aside from the occasional application of a neutral lipstick.  I don't worry about what people think of my natural, no-makeup, look.  It doesn't matter to me.  I'm growing out my gray hair and loving it.  I don't stress about buying the latest fashions in clothes or shoes.  I want to look nice, but I do a large portion of my clothes shopping at Goodwill.  :)

With that said, I have to admit that I have not conquered my problem of checking the scale every morning.  And since I'm being honest, I usually weigh myself just before going to bed too.  I don't like it, but there it is.  I'm not totally obsessed, but bothered enough with it to check my weight a couple times a day.

I don't diet or restrict my calories  I use real sugar or flavored creamer in my coffee.  I can eat chips and dip like they are going out of style.  I just finished a huge piece of chocolate cake left over from my recent birthday celebration, and it's like 11:30 at night.  I don't stress enough about it to radically change my eating habits, but I do beat myself up mentally more than I'd like.

I feel chunky.  I see the natural curves that a 41 year old mother of three should have, and I wish they weren't there.  I don't like my cottage cheese thighs.  You never see cottage cheese thighs on tv or a magazine cover.  I don't even watch that much tv and I never buy magazines (although you can't avoid seeing them in line at the grocery store).   I know I'm not fat, but it's hard to feel satisfied with my size with such impossible standards being set everywhere around us.

I don't really know where I'm going with this.  It's just annoying.  There are so many more things that I wish filled my thoughts more.  I would love to just not worry about it anymore.  I certainly don't want my daughters to stress about it.  There is so much more to a person than their body size or bmi.  I want to be healthy and strong.  I want to not worry about it at all.  I want to be happy with my self and my health.  Maybe just saying it.  Acknowledging it.  Sitting with it.  Maybe it will help me let it go.  I'd love to let it go.

I'll let you know if I get there.