Happy Birthday to me!

I turned 43 today.

I slept in extremely late (two kiddos were at their dad's, and one was at a friend's), and I mean extremely late! Like my feet didn't hit the floor until hours after lunch had past.  It was delightful.  When you are still wrapped up in your housecoat as the sun is setting, it's been a relaxing day.

I received multiple texts, facebook messages, and phone calls from family and friends wishing me a happy birthday.

I enjoyed spending a few hours this evening with several friends eating cheesecake, enjoying a glass of wine, and catching up.

Today was wonderful.

I made sure to continue my sitting practice.  I'm finding it easier and easier to sit for 20 minutes.  I'm also noticing that I'm looking forward to my quiet time more and more.  This is a very welcome feeling.

The question "Where will you be in ten years?" was never one I liked.  My 33 year old self could never in a million years have predicted that my 43 year old self would be divorced and working on starting a new life.

I've questioned my ability to deal with the cards that I've been dealt in the past few years.  I've questioned my strength, my faith, my sanity.  And yet another birthday has come and gone, and I've had a wonderful day.

I have no idea what my life will look like in another 10 years.  But if my 53rd birthday is anything like my 43rd, I'll be doing alright.

I'm blessed beyond measure with a life full of love from so many people.  Thanks to each of you for being a part of my journey. Your presence in my little world is the best present any one person could ever hope to receive.

Happy Birthday to me!

Today I sat.

I'm a little over two weeks into a consistent daily practice.  I've been working with being more mindful for a couple of years now.  I have continually practiced my quiet times off and on, but this is the first time I've been consistent daily in taking at least 20 minutes to sit.

Today I sat.

I took a few breaths.

I noticed when I first started my meditation today that my mind began to question what exactly I would be sitting with.  I found myself looking for an interesting idea or emotion.  

I refocused on my breath and worked on letting this idea go.

I don't want to orchestrate my practice.  I want to breathe and simply notice what's going on.

So I began to really pay attention to the feeling of my body taking a breath.  Noticing the cool feeling of the fresh air as it entered my nostrils and the release I felt with the warm out breath.

I sat and noticed.  Multiple times I returned my attention to my breath as various ideas took hold in my mind. I would not describe today's practice as monkey mind, it was not that busy.  Today was a bit more calm.

I have begun to notice that the 20 minutes seems to pass more quickly.  I fidget a little less, and I find myself looking forward to my practice in a new way.  

Today I sat.

Today I sat with monkey mind.

In an effort to be a bit more mindful in my living, I'm working toward a more consistent sitting practice.

Today I sat with monkey mind.

I took my seat, legs crossed, sitting upright on my bed.  I let my shoulders drop (no longer wearing them as earrings), let my hands rest on my thighs, and I took a moment to notice my breathing.

I breathe and listen.  I breath and notice.  I sit and I breathe.

As I focus on my breath, I try to pay attention to what is coming up for me today. What do I notice at specific this moment in my day? What I notice is my thoughts jumping from one idea to another.

Just as I was ready to sit with one feeling, another would surface.

I recognize that emotion and begin to settle into the idea of it, and another pops up.

Monkey mind.

All the branches of my mind seemed especially enticing today.  I return my attention to my breath.  I work on being non-judgmental towards my wayward mind.  I breathe and feel myself smile and gently direct my attention back to my breath.

Lather, rinse, repeat . . .

Breathe.  Notice my mind jump to another emotional branch.  Return to my breath.

Breathe.  Feel the mind wander to a trouble from the past.  Return to my breath.

Breath.  See the mind jump anxiously to a future plan.  And again return to my breath.

And so my practice continues.

Today I sat with monkey mind.

Today I sat with fear.

I am learning how to live mindfully.  Part of this process is practicing mindful meditation.  I sit in quiet, checking in with myself and seeing what comes up. "What do I notice most in my current field of awareness?"

I sit upright in my bed.  I cross my legs.  I stretch my neck.  I take a couple of breaths. I place my hands on my thighs and relax my arms.  I drop my shoulders. I breathe again.  I notice.  I listen.  I breathe.

I feel the grip of fear.

For me, in my body, fear grabs a hold of the center of my chest.  It's a tight, heavy feeling, as if something is squeezing and pressing down heavily on the center of my sternum.

I take a deep breath and find myself focusing on expanding my chest in an effort to apply a counter pressure. Then I breathe again, this time without effort.

I don't want to fight the feeling.  I want to notice what fear feels like, for me.  I don't like the feeling, but it's there. I don't wish it away.  I don't feel afraid of the feeling.  I feel it.  It's what I notice the most, right now.

I breathe.  I notice my heart beat.  I breathe again, and again, and again.

I sit for 20 minutes.  I breathe.  I am present.

Today I sat with fear.

I will . . .

It's been a while since I sat down to write.  Life continues to flow at a busy pace, and I find myself going with the flow.  Sometimes I'm navigating smooth waters and other times I'm being pulled along with the current and just doing my best to keep my head above the water's surface.

I want to blog about how wonderfully happy and perfectly content I am with my life. That's the goal I'm aiming for, contentment and peace.  However, lately I feel like I've been falling far short of that goal.  Where's a life jacket when I need one?

The rough white water rapids of divorce are certainly not the most pleasant of rides.  I've been adjusting for a while and keep thinking I'll be past the stomach curling twists and turns of emotions that come with navigating this territory.  I'm not there yet.

No big changes have occurred recently to really speak of, so I'm not sure why I have taken a down turn emotionally.  But here I am sopping wet and exhausted.

A few weeks ago at Wellsprings, Lee spoke about liminal space.  It was a beautiful message and it spoke directly to me.  Below is a brief definition of liminal space:

A liminal space, the place of transition, waiting, and not knowing is…

…a unique spiritual position where human beings hate to be but where the biblical God is always leading them. It is when you have left the tried and true, but have not yet been able to replace it with anything else. It is when you are finally out of the way. It is when you are between your old comfort zone and any possible new answer. If you are not trained in how to hold anxiety, how to live with ambiguity, how to entrust and wait, you will run…anything to flee this terrible cloud of unknowing. - Richard Rohr

I'm right in the big, fat, uncomfortable middle of a liminal space, and it sucks.

Then today at Wellsprings, Rev. Ken spoke on grief.  The message hit home with me just as much as Lee's message.  One of the things he mentioned is how the stages of grief don't necessarily come all packaged up in a nice orderly row.  I can wholeheartedly agree with this statement.  I've been working through a whole range of emotions going through this divorce period in my life and the stages of grief I experience jump around more than my 5 year old (and she is as bouncy as a brand new rubber ball)!

Rev. Ken referenced an article he posted on facebook about grief.   It's a beautiful article. The link below takes you to the article. It's definitely worth the read.

http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/01/10/getting-grief-right/?_r=0

The article talks about dealing with physical death.  My situation does not involve a physical death, but an emotional one.  The death of my marriage has been life altering.  I'm still grieving the loss of so many hopes and dreams.  I'm tired of dealing with the emotions.  I'm tired of the anxiety, the ambiguity, the waiting, the uncertainty, the frustration.  I want to "flee this terrible cloud of unknowing."

But here I sit.

I will do my best not to run away.  

I will do my best to keep my head above the water.

I will ride out the stomach churning twists and turns. 

I will sit.

I will live.

I will love. 

I will forever take comfort knowing that I am not alone.

One of Those Times

There are times when I feel like I totally know who I am, what I'm up to, and where I'm headed.

This is not one of those times.

There are times when I doubt myself completely.

I feel my heart gripped with anxiety and fear; fear of the future, fear for my kids and the journeys they are making, fear for my abilities to be the adult I'm supposed to be.

This is one of those times.

I find myself more than overwhelmed with an intense desire to crawl into a dark cave, curl up on the floor, and never come out again.

But there is no cave.

I know that the cave is not the answer.

I know that I must keep putting one foot in front of the other, walking in this journey one day at a time (sweet Jesus).

I know that I do not walk alone.

I know that the sun will keep rising, the world will keep spinning, my heart will keep beating, my lungs will keep breathing.  Love never fails, and I will move forward.

I am trying to learn to feel what I'm feeling and I'm trying not to run from those feelings.  I'm trying to sit with whatever comes up.  Recognize what is there and experience it to my core.

My hope is that in fully engaging with the feelings they will somehow loose their intense grip on my heart.

The desire to escape from the emotional stress is so very tempting.

My fear, that I will be overcome by the feelings and be crushed by the pressure of them, causes me to want to run, to look for an escape.

I fall asleep, anxious.

I sleep fitfully.

Then I wake up the next morning and discover that I was not crushed.  Bruised maybe.  Exhausted definitely.  But here I am.

I prefer the confident times.

I will survive the anxious times.

I am trying to learn from both.

2015, Here I Come

2015 is off and running and I'm running more behind than ever with this blog.  I don't have a ton of time this evening to write, but thought I'd put a bit on the page and see how it looks.  And maybe I'll just live life right on the edge and not even bother with proof reading.  I'll throw it out there and just see where it lands!

Things I'm doing now:

• I am committing to a daily personal yoga practice.  This was not a new years resolution, as I just committed to this on the 18th.  I've been doing yoga since 2002 and I have had regular practices off and on since then.  Yoga is the one exercise that I miss when I don't practice.  I have taken months off at a time during the past 12-13 years, but I hope to never do that again.  
• I am also committing to a daily mindfulness meditation practice.  This is something I've been working at integrating into my life since I joined the congregation at Wellsprings last March.  I have been incorporating mindfulness into my life with greater and greater intention over the past months.  Some days my practice was a simple as a few deep breaths during a moment of stress.  More often than not, this was as much practice as I'd get.  However I have committed myself to a daily seated meditation.  I hear Rev. Ken's words "nothing replaces having your tush on the cush," and I am inspired to see just how this practice will change and grow for me this year.  I've started the timer at 15 minutes and plan to increase in small increments as the days pass. 
• I am also starting yoga teacher training mid-February.  I will have my 200 hour certification by mid-November.  I hope to start teaching as soon as possible.  I'd love to develop a yoga business that serves people of all ages.  I'd like to offer classes for kids, adults, mom's to be, new moms, and seniors and anyone else who is interested.  Yoga has so many amazing benefits and I'm excited about getting to the place where I can share my yoga with people!  ;)
• I hope to be cleaning houses. In the interim between now and when I can begin the yoga thing, I'm going to try to find a couple of houses that I can clean in order to rustle up a little bit of extra cash.  I'd like to continue to be home with my Little One as much as possible and my Oldest One is still at home doing cyber school.  So this seems like it might be a flexible enough idea to fit the bill.  And as strange as it may sound, I love to clean.  And as a stay-at-home mom of almost 16 years, I certainly know my way around cleaning supplies!  :)  Cleaning is sort of a zen thing for me.  I can really tune into the process and appreciate the minuteness of the details.  And who doesn't love a clean bathroom?  I mean come on, a sparkling clean tub just makes everyone feel better.  :)
• And finally, I'm learning how to be me.  I'm 41 and I'm learning how to be my own person.   It's a weird feeling to just be a "me" and not an "us."  I was married at 19 and find myself single at 41.  My entire adult life has been spent as part of couple and now I'm just me.  It's exciting and terrifying all at the same time.  I'll be alright, I know that.  God is good and I see God's love all around me.  However, there are a lot of changes in my life that were unexpected and not exactly what I've spent my adult years planning for.  I have opportunities before me that I never imagined.  I also have challenges before me that I never imagined too.  A large part of me desperately wants to fast forward to the end of 2015 and be able to see how it looks in hindsight.  That's where the mindfulness comes back into play.  I will sit with each moment in 2015 and do my best to be present in the now.  I will get to know me.  I will be present for my kids.  I will learn what it feels like to be  me when I'm excited, anxious, alone, nervous, scared, optimistic, tired, happy, sad, frustrated, joyful and the list goes on and on and on.  I will learn to be me.  I will learn.

So, that's kinda where I'm at.  I'll try to keep y'all posted. It certainly makes for an interesting journey. Feel free to walk along with me.  :)