Today I sat with tension

I have to admit that I have not been as consistent with my daily quiet time the last couple of weeks.  I was sitting every day for a while there and I was thoroughly enjoying it.  Which is why I was quite surprised to see just how easy it was to fall off the wagon.  A snooze button here.  A late night there.  And off I went.

In spite of the lack of sitting time during the last two weeks, I did notice myself being mindful of one thing.  I became much more aware of the extreme amount of tension I carry in my shoulders that has radiated up into my neck, jaw and forehead.  I was also keenly aware of the aches I feel from head to toe.

My self-care hasn't been what it should be lately.  It's a vicious cycle.  It starts with me skipping a quiet time one day and then a healthy meal the next.  I get rushed, or irritated, or anxious, or annoyed, or all of the above.  I find myself drawn to junk food because I no longer have the energy to care.  And this leads me back to increased irritation, anxiousness, etc.

So today, when the alarm went off at 6:00 a.m. I woke my daughter for school and then I sat.

I took my usual seat for my quiet time and mindfully began to focus on my breath.  I noticed the birds chirping outside and the calming hum of the fan I use for white noise.  I took a few more breaths and attempted to settle in. 

The tension in my jaw was impossible to ignore. I stretched my neck and wiggled my jaw back and forth noticing it pop in both directions.  I took another deep breath and disconnected my shoulders from my ears.  I noticed my frustration at the tension and then my frustration at myself for neglecting myself.  I took another breath and remembered the words of Rev. Ken from his sermon on Sunday, "Speak to yourself like you would speak to a friend."

So I took another deep breath and instead of scolding me for the neglect, I congratulated me for taking time to sit today.  I returned my focus to my breath and tried to gently let go of all of the frustration I felt for me.

I spent the remainder of my quiet time returning to my breath and letting go.  Slowly but surely I noticed comfort instead of frustration.  My chest felt lighter.  My breath easier. My jaw a tiny bit more loose.  I took another breath and noticed a small smile. 

When my quiet time was done, I hopped up to get breakfast ready for my daughter, and I felt lighter.  The tension is still there, but it's not screaming at me quite so loudly.

I noticed that the silence of my sitting is loud enough to drown out the screaming of the tension.