Enough

Four years ago this month and four months before our 20th anniversary, my then husband took me out to dinner to tell me he wanted a divorce (just fyi a public place is not the best venue choice for this sort of conversation). :)

I spent the next two years trying to prove to him that we could make our marriage work.

Two years ago this month, he moved out and the official divorce process began.

Today, four years past the initial conversation that turned my world upside down, I continue to find myself working through my feelings regarding this whole mess.  This is what came up for me during my quiet time today.

If you've read my blog, you are familiar with my usual quiet time routine.  This morning was no different. I settled in and focused on my breath. The first thoughts that came to mind were about last night's dinner.  I cooked a roast, mashed potatoes, corn, broccoli, and my grandmother's homemade noodles.  My youngest and I ate at the table.  My oldest ate watching a show in the tv room.  My middle was at her dad's.

The meal was delicious, but there were a lot of leftovers.  I noticed that I felt a little silly that I'm still struggling with how to cook for a smaller family.  I think this is one of the things that triggered some of my emotions. Two of my former family of five had not been there.

And if I'm being honest, I also felt a bit under-appreciated.  I wanted to feel like someone really cared that I had prepared the meal.  I'm sure my son was pleased to have been fed and enjoyed his meal.  My youngest had hummed happily and she pretended to be a bird slurping up "worm" noodles, but this morning I noticed that I still felt a little empty.

As I sat and tried to return my attention to my breath I felt foolish to even be having this thought.  There are such greater problems in the world that people struggle with every day.  My desire to feel appreciated seems a mighty small trouble.  I felt embarrassment and heartbreak at the same time.

I sat there almost scolding myself.  Literally the words in my head were, "Really Deborah?  This is what comes up when you sit."

And yet, this is what was coming up.

I tried to focus on my breath and sit with this feeling.  What was it exactly?  Where did I feel it in my physical body?  What did I notice is my most current field of awareness?

I noticed the tension in my jaw, the tightness in the muscles in my neck that stretched down into my upper back.  I stretched my neck from shoulder to shoulder and then lowered my chin toward my chest in an attempt to relieve some of the strain on the muscles.

Then I took another breath, and through the gut wrenching feeling of embarrassment I looked at my desire to feel appreciated.  And then I heard the voices of both Rev. Lee and Rev. Ken simultaneously, "You are enough.  There is a LOVE so great that you don't have to do anything great to be loved."

I felt tears welling up in my eyes, so I took another deep breath.  And then I felt the heat of anger flood through my body as I closed my eyes tightly to push away the tears.  I felt angry and frustrated that I was not "enough" for my husband to choose to stay in our marriage.  I know that this is not the sole reason my marriage ended, but it was the one that was rearing it's ugly head today.

Somehow if I had done more, been more, been enough.

Things might have been different.  My life would not have been so broken.  My three children would not be struggling to deal with all of their emotions regarding the divorce.

I was not enough.  I couldn't save my marriage.  I couldn't shield my kids from all of this pain.

I tried to breath again.  I noticed tears streaming down my face.  I felt my forehead wrinkle.  I continued to notice the embarrassment and the anger all swirled together resulting in a churning stomach.

I took a deep breath and said quietly to myself, "I want to feel appreciated."

I hate that I continue to struggle with my ex-husband's decision to end our marriage because it makes me feel unappreciated.  It's true and embarrassing to admit all at the same time.

I took another deep breath and tried to really feel all that was crashing around in my brain and my belly.

I took another breath and replayed the words in my head again, "You are enough. There is a LOVE so great that you don't have to do anything great to be loved."  I felt a painful catch in my chest as I repeated the words to myself again.

The bell rang.  I took another deep breath.  I felt tired.