Today I sat with my old blue van.

I took my usual seat for my quiet time this morning.  Settled in and begin to focus on my breath and pay attention.  I felt the tension in my shoulders.  I noticed the tightness in my jaw.  I heard the voice of my mindfulness teacher saying at I needed to just notice things and not try to change anything.  Simply notice and sit with what comes up.

So I tried to just breathe and I noticed my irritation at all the aches and tension. I felt the frustration manifest in my temples and the center of my chest.  I took another deep breath and felt the frustration and tension again. And then I took another breath and tried to "firmly but gently" redirect my thoughts back to my breath.

Easier said than done.

I have a lot going on right now.  I'm gearing up for my move to Texas in June.  I'm dealing with the emotions of knowing my two big kids are choosing to stay here in Philly.  My son will be a senior this fall and wants to finish at the school he started at this year.  And my middle daughter will be starting high school and says she doesn't want to move away from her friends. I understand their choices, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I've started packing and yesterday finally booked the moving company, which helps a little.

The next item on my to-do list is to sell my old blue van.

And this task is what haunted my quiet time this morning.

I would breathe and focus on that breath and then immediately feel the weight of my van come crashing down on my chest.

I hate the idea of trying to sell an 11 year old vehicle!

She's been a good car.  I've had her since 2007.  I got her in California.  She's been up and down the Pacific Coast Highway, to Texas, to Kansas, to Philly, back Texas a few more times, to D.C., to Michigan twice, and upstate New York multiple times.

She has complained very little with all this travel and all in all been a wonderfully dependable car.  However she does show signs of her age.  Some of her passenger side sliding door is a slightly different color thanks to a crappy repair job from a dent she received in a parking lot years ago.  And her passenger side mirror looks wonderfully sexy being held together with electric tape.  Her sliding door power locks have lost their power, and her clicker quit clicking.  And to top it all off, her rear bumper is dented and peeling.  She is sturdy and dependable, but not the sexiest vehicle around.  And being sky blue doesn't seem to help either.

As I wrote that last paragraph I felt a smile pop up on my face.  I chuckled because I suddenly saw a wonderful resemblance between her and me!  I'm also not as young as I used to be and the last few years have certainly left a few dents and scratches that I'm struggling to deal with.  I just read back through that last paragraph and the "sturdy and dependable" sentence literally made me laugh out loud!

So I sat with my van and now I'm writing about her and I feel lighter.

I need to find her a good home and I'm still a little stressed about that, but I feel better.

My meditation was challenging because my mind was heavy, but I sat with it.

Today I sat with my old blue van.  She made me smile.  Hopefully soon she'll put a smile on someone else's face too.