Today I sat with my heartbeat.

My daily sitting practice continues.  I've noticed that the 20 minutes of sitting continues to get easier and easier.  The last few times the minutes have seemed to just fly by.  It feels a little weird, but pleasant.

The feelings, thoughts, and emotions that show up are not necessarily any easier to experience, but I feel like I'm getting better at touching the thoughts, noticing what they feel like, and letting them be, or maybe letting them go.

Today and the previous two quite times I have really been noticing my own heartbeat.

It's a strange and wonderful feeling for me to experience.

I sit down, cross my legs, take a few deep, calming breaths, relax my shoulders, return to my normal breath, and then I listen.

I notice the sounds in the environment first: the hum of the fan I use for white noise, the clicking of the pipes in the baseboard heater, the sound of my own breathing.  I return my focus to this breath and check in with my body.  What am I noticing?

This is when I have begun to really feel my heartbeat.  As I sit, it feels almost as if my entire body is rocking back and forth to this amazing rhythm.  I know I'm actually sitting still, but it feels like so much more movement.

I feel very much alive and appreciative for all the things my body does for me as I sit. The energy I receive from this feeling is almost elation.  It's a calm elation, but a beautiful recognition in myself of the wonder that life is.

It feels like a peaceful constant in the midst life's whirling storm.

Today I sat with my heartbeat.

Happy Birthday to me!

I turned 43 today.

I slept in extremely late (two kiddos were at their dad's, and one was at a friend's), and I mean extremely late! Like my feet didn't hit the floor until hours after lunch had past.  It was delightful.  When you are still wrapped up in your housecoat as the sun is setting, it's been a relaxing day.

I received multiple texts, facebook messages, and phone calls from family and friends wishing me a happy birthday.

I enjoyed spending a few hours this evening with several friends eating cheesecake, enjoying a glass of wine, and catching up.

Today was wonderful.

I made sure to continue my sitting practice.  I'm finding it easier and easier to sit for 20 minutes.  I'm also noticing that I'm looking forward to my quiet time more and more.  This is a very welcome feeling.

The question "Where will you be in ten years?" was never one I liked.  My 33 year old self could never in a million years have predicted that my 43 year old self would be divorced and working on starting a new life.

I've questioned my ability to deal with the cards that I've been dealt in the past few years.  I've questioned my strength, my faith, my sanity.  And yet another birthday has come and gone, and I've had a wonderful day.

I have no idea what my life will look like in another 10 years.  But if my 53rd birthday is anything like my 43rd, I'll be doing alright.

I'm blessed beyond measure with a life full of love from so many people.  Thanks to each of you for being a part of my journey. Your presence in my little world is the best present any one person could ever hope to receive.

Happy Birthday to me!

Today I sat.

I'm a little over two weeks into a consistent daily practice.  I've been working with being more mindful for a couple of years now.  I have continually practiced my quiet times off and on, but this is the first time I've been consistent daily in taking at least 20 minutes to sit.

Today I sat.

I took a few breaths.

I noticed when I first started my meditation today that my mind began to question what exactly I would be sitting with.  I found myself looking for an interesting idea or emotion.  

I refocused on my breath and worked on letting this idea go.

I don't want to orchestrate my practice.  I want to breathe and simply notice what's going on.

So I began to really pay attention to the feeling of my body taking a breath.  Noticing the cool feeling of the fresh air as it entered my nostrils and the release I felt with the warm out breath.

I sat and noticed.  Multiple times I returned my attention to my breath as various ideas took hold in my mind. I would not describe today's practice as monkey mind, it was not that busy.  Today was a bit more calm.

I have begun to notice that the 20 minutes seems to pass more quickly.  I fidget a little less, and I find myself looking forward to my practice in a new way.  

Today I sat.

Today I sat with monkey mind.

In an effort to be a bit more mindful in my living, I'm working toward a more consistent sitting practice.

Today I sat with monkey mind.

I took my seat, legs crossed, sitting upright on my bed.  I let my shoulders drop (no longer wearing them as earrings), let my hands rest on my thighs, and I took a moment to notice my breathing.

I breathe and listen.  I breath and notice.  I sit and I breathe.

As I focus on my breath, I try to pay attention to what is coming up for me today. What do I notice at specific this moment in my day? What I notice is my thoughts jumping from one idea to another.

Just as I was ready to sit with one feeling, another would surface.

I recognize that emotion and begin to settle into the idea of it, and another pops up.

Monkey mind.

All the branches of my mind seemed especially enticing today.  I return my attention to my breath.  I work on being non-judgmental towards my wayward mind.  I breathe and feel myself smile and gently direct my attention back to my breath.

Lather, rinse, repeat . . .

Breathe.  Notice my mind jump to another emotional branch.  Return to my breath.

Breathe.  Feel the mind wander to a trouble from the past.  Return to my breath.

Breath.  See the mind jump anxiously to a future plan.  And again return to my breath.

And so my practice continues.

Today I sat with monkey mind.

Today I sat with fear.

I am learning how to live mindfully.  Part of this process is practicing mindful meditation.  I sit in quiet, checking in with myself and seeing what comes up. "What do I notice most in my current field of awareness?"

I sit upright in my bed.  I cross my legs.  I stretch my neck.  I take a couple of breaths. I place my hands on my thighs and relax my arms.  I drop my shoulders. I breathe again.  I notice.  I listen.  I breathe.

I feel the grip of fear.

For me, in my body, fear grabs a hold of the center of my chest.  It's a tight, heavy feeling, as if something is squeezing and pressing down heavily on the center of my sternum.

I take a deep breath and find myself focusing on expanding my chest in an effort to apply a counter pressure. Then I breathe again, this time without effort.

I don't want to fight the feeling.  I want to notice what fear feels like, for me.  I don't like the feeling, but it's there. I don't wish it away.  I don't feel afraid of the feeling.  I feel it.  It's what I notice the most, right now.

I breathe.  I notice my heart beat.  I breathe again, and again, and again.

I sit for 20 minutes.  I breathe.  I am present.

Today I sat with fear.