To My Tribe-THANK YOU!

Sitting here drinking a cup of coffee.  The house is quite.  My teenager is still asleep and my youngest is enjoying a surprise visit from her dad.

T-shirt yarn at the ready, with table to be refinished beneath.  Projects just keep coming! :)

I'm getting ready to weave a bit more on my rug but I took a moment to check yesterday's blog for comments and respond if necessary.  While at my blog, I glanced over at the links for all my past blogs, and I clicked through a couple of them.

I've made progress in someways and in others I'm still working through the same old shit.  I guess it's really just life I'm working through, and the sunshine and the shit are just regular participants in my journey.

What I wanted to say today, before I get up off my duff and do some actual work, is THANK YOU! Thank you to each of you who read my blog and walk with me. Life is messy and beautiful and difficult and amazing and exhilarating and exhausting and wonderful and trying and so much more. Some days I'm on top of the world and others I'm looking up from the bottom.  But regardless of where I may be, I know that I am not alone.

I have an amazing tribe of people who love me, support me, encourage me, inspire me, and walk beside me.  Some of you are right around the corner. Others are on the other side of the planet.  Many are somewhere in between.  The distance between us means nothing.  I can feel your love every day in my life, and I am eternally grateful.

So I lift my coffee cup to each and everyone of you today. I hope and pray you feel my love and eternal gratitude for your presence in my life.

Looming and Learning and Life: Creativity Cures!

The loom creation project was wonderfully enjoyable!  I spent a few minutes rummaging around inside and outside of my dad's shop and luckily I was able to gather all of the necessary supplies:  wood (from the frame around PCV pipe delivered for water wells), metal poles (cut from the flower display stands from my Grandpa's funeral in '09), nails (probably left over from when my dad was building their house in the late '80's), and wood screws (my dad had these on his service truck).

With the supplies ready to go, my dad helped me get the project started.  The first thing he did was show me all of the splendiferous power tools he had to help make this process easy and FUN! And, since he's a rather decent collector of tools, he had everything I needed and more!

Frame and poles laid out during frame design brainstorming.

Then we took a few minutes and laid out our design.  I was using pictures I had found on the interwebs and ballparked our measurements since this isn't an exact science.  The size of the loom can vary depending on how large a rug you want to produce.  We decided to go with a three ft horizontal piece and a four ft-ish vertical piece (just used the boards the length they were, cause I liked the length).

My newest love, the power miter saw!

Next we cut the horizontal pieces down to three ft using this lovely little tool. It's a power miter saw, and I'm in love.

Then we began the process of actually putting the frame together.  We pre-drilled holes for the wood screws to prevent the boards from splitting (they weren't the newest boards).

Pre-drilling for wood screws.

Makita makes my heart melt!

After drilling, we put the frame together with the wood screws.  Dad headed off to check his deer feeder and left me to work out the rest.

I cut the metal rods down to the right size, using my dad's Makita metal cutting saw, and my heart fluttered once again!  After cutting the rods, I polished the sharp edges with my dad's buffer/grinder, and sparks flew (literally and figuratively)!  ;)  Have I mentioned I my affinity for power tools?

With the frame together and the rods cut and polished, I moved on to hammering in the nails for the warp of the rug.  I placed the nails one inch apart and hammered them in across the top and bottom of the frame.

Nails one inch apart

The only thing I did not find in my dad's shop was eye bolts.  I needed them to hold the rods in place along the sides of the frame (to keep the tension, when weaving, from accidentally causing the to rug hour-glass in).  I was able to purchase a set of eye bolts for the whopping price of $1.00 at Fred's in town.  Once I added the eye bolts, the loom was done!

Pre-eye bolts,  the rods are just hanging on one of the nails.

Warping the loom.

T-shirt yarn!

I used some yarn my friend Amy gave me for the warp (the material wrapped vertically from nail to nail).  After I put the warp on the loom, I began weaving with the t-shirt yarn I had made (I'll post about this process soon).  I'm not sure how many shirts I'll need or what color combination I'll use, but I am thoroughly enjoying the process.  It's definitely a learning process.  I'll blog about the finished product once it's complete.

But, what I have learned so far in this process is that creativity keeps my soul alive.  Life is shit sometimes, and there are days when all you can do is breathe and endure.  It's in the midst of these moments that a project like this helps keep me going.  At times, life can feel utterly exhausting and almost pointless.  When the dark cloud settles in, I need something that's gonna bring a ray of sunshine into my soul.

That's when this loom helps me the most.  I look forward to seeing how the rug will turn out.  I enjoy the process of repurposing old t-shirts into something that puts a smile on my face. I love learning how to do something new and envisioning ways to make the next rug.  My mind and my soul are creatively engaged, the dark cloud begins to life, and the world looks a little brighter.

Come walk with me (on my new rug, soon) and we'll see what excitement the next project holds!

My daddy and I in his shop,
 working on this project.

Green, light gray, blue-gray, orange, navy blue . . .

Raw

Yesterday I killed it and made my rug loom.  I'll put some pictures up soon.  I felt like a rock star.

Today I'm not feeling it at all.  There's a bad tape playing in my head and I can't seem to find the pause button.  I get irritated that my headspace can spin so quickly.  I breathe.  I pause.  I try not to get irritated. I feel irritated.  I attempt to sit with the irritation and all the other shitty feelings.  I try not to run from them.  I try not to judge them as shitty.  I sit and work with what comes up.  I try not to judge how well I'm sitting.

This is me. You're welcome.

I just decided to sit and type exactly how I was feeling.  It's kind of scary knowing that if I actually share this post then y'all will see me.  Like really see me.  I don't particularly try to hide.  Honestly I feel like I'm a pretty open gal.  But there are times when I don't write something or share exactly how raw I feel because I don't know that everyone should see me as clearly as they could.  Or better yet, I'm not sure anyone wants to see me that clearly.

I don't want to be rescued.  I don't need to be rescued.  I just feel like being real is worth something in the world today.

So yesterday rocked.  Today I'm dragging and picking myself up very slowly.  Not sure how to explain the change.  Every now and then I still feel like I'm back on that roller coaster, in the dark, that never repeats.  Suddenly there was a drop I wasn't expecting or a turn that jerked me in a direction I wasn't ready for, and I'm off balance and trying to recover.

Today I can't say that there was a sudden drop or unexpected turn.  And I can't even blame it on being a Monday.  Today I feel shitty, and raw, and kind of worthless, and a bit lost, and very tired of all these stupid feelings.  But today is today, and I'll keep breathing through it.

And I'm going to go to a thrift store and look for old t-shirts to turn into t-shirt yarn so I can start working on my rug loom. 

The Future Looms 😉

Good morning.  I'm sitting here waiting on the coffee to finish brewing and listening to my youngest play Toy Story 3 on the wii in the next room.  I have been researching rug looms and trying to get myself motivated enough to actually get up and find the necessary materials to build one rather than just keep looking at all the ones on Pinterest or the interwebs.

We've started a new school year here with my oldest in college in Philly, my middle in the 10th grade and my youngest in 2nd grade.  This is the first year my youngest has gone to public school, and the first year I have not had a child with me 24/7 in 18 years!  It's a bit surreal.

I am working on getting to know myself again as a person rather than just "mom," and honestly, I'm a bit confused and at times mildly terrified, but in an exciting way. I had been a wife for 21+ years at the time of my divorce a couple years ago and a full time at-home mom for 18 years. Now I'm embarking on a strange little journey at mid-life trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

My girls live with me (their dad is off to England shortly for a job thing), so I'm still a full time single mom, but now I have 8 hours each weekday that I need to fill. And what I'd like to do with those hours is, hands down, the biggest question looming in the back of my mind.

Currently I'm working from home for my dad's water well business, and that keeps me busy.  However, my dad turned 70 yesterday and I know he won't be drilling wells forever.  So the question becomes, what will I do next?  I am a certified teacher so I could go back into the classroom.  That is a very real possibility.  I'm going to be subbing in local schools this year so that will give me a good idea of what being back in the classroom would feel like.

But there are other possibilities.

When I think about what I enjoy doing (that whole finding your passion thing you hear about) I come up with a few things:

• being with people-extrovert here
• helping people complete a task or project-great worker bee/encourager
• organizing and de-cluttering, and helping people do the same-again great worker bee
• crochet and crafty/creative things-creativity makes my soul smile
• making/building stuff-I love power tools!
• yoga and mindfulness-cause I gotta stay sane
• maybe more, but I've drawn a blank and want more coffee!

So my journey continues.  I'm learning to listen, search, trust, breathe, be . . . I love having my tribe walking with me.  For me, life together is the only way this world makes sense.   So feel free to pop in occasionally and catch up.

And when I actually get a loom done, there will be pictures!



(The title is corny, I know. 😉  But I'm a goober, so I thought it was funny!)







   

I am not lonely

I'll be forty-four next month, and I'm single.  I've been single for almost three years. Prior to that, I was married for over twenty-one years. If you are any good at math you'll quickly notice that I was very young when I got married.

I did not have to get married, there were no shotguns involved. My ex and I thought we had a pretty good thing going and decided marriage was the perfect next step.  We were married almost seven years before we had our first child.  We both finished college and my ex went on to complete a master's and a Ph.D.  I became a stay-at-home homeschooling mom to three amazing kiddos.  He became a professor. We did not go through life all willy nilly.  We were thinkers and planners.  I thought we were doing a pretty decent job of making a nice little life for ourselves and our family.

Obviously, my ex had other ideas, since he later decided that "our" life was not what he desired, and he proceeded to end our marriage.

So here I sit, almost mid-forties, single, and starting over.

I am not lonely being single.  I have my youngest living with me and she is an absolute firecracker. After the divorce, I relocated back near my family so my parents are right around the corner.  My sisters and their families are all within a two-hour radius. I have several close friends in the area, and I've made a couple new friends.  My days are full of life, work, family, and friends.

I am not lonely.

Which is why I'm confused by the thoughts and feelings clunking around in my head. The feeling that I'm trying to find words to explain is a strange one.  It's a feeling that I don't ever remember having before.  And I'm not certain that I can fully articulate it.  Thinking back to my pre-marriage self (which means to my late teens, I know!) I do not recall ever experiencing this.

I realize that what I'm working with is the question as to whether or not I should be seeking out a new relationship. The words seem to get all garbled up, even as I type them, and sound rather silly.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't remember ever contemplating the deeper purpose or reasons for getting into a relationship. I dated in high school. I dated my ex in college. We got along great, so getting married was just the next step. Of course, I was nineteen and he was twenty, so we weren't exactly shrewd thinkers at the time. I guess I shouldn't fault my teenage self for not pondering these ideas more thoroughly.

But try as I might, I cannot remember ruminating over this question at all.

In high school and college, dating was a normal part of life.  I didn't have to try to meet people, I was surrounded with other people my age and socialization always came easily to me. Now, I live outside of a very small town with a population of less than 1300. I work from home.  And I'm a full-time single mom (my ex lives 1500 miles away).

So the question arises.  Do I want to be in a relationship? And when I look to myself for an answer I draw a huge blank. And then the clunking I mentioned earlier starts up again.

How do I feel about dating? Do I want to date?  Why would I want to date? Do I have the emotional energy to try to meet someone? Where in the world would I meet someone? Do I want to be in a relationship? Why would I want to be in a relationship? Where would I find the time for a new relationship? What is the purpose of a relationship anyways?

It's like a bouncy ball of questions and non-answers, and my head is a set of steel drums stacked one on top of the other.  The sound is musical and often pretty, but loud enough to be wonderfully distracting and after a while you just long for quiet.

I will continue to sit and listen. I will sit with the music and I will try to pay attention. I will be mindful.

I am learning to recognize things in myself. Through the sitting and listening, I have learned that I have a lot of love to give, that I am a caregiver and a cheerleader. I love doing things for the people in my life, and I love to see them succeed.

I have a lot of people in my life. Is this enough? Should there be one more? Should I be seeking out a significant other?

The music begins again. I will sit and listen.

Balancing Act

I'm sitting by a fireplace, flames dancing exquisitely.  In front of me there is a splendidly decorated Christmas tree full of colorful lights, surrounded by a functioning electric train. Holiday music plays at just the perfect volume throughout the house on the speaker system. The sun is setting, and the street is lined with luminaries waiting to be lit at 6:00 p.m.  Boxes are stacked beside me waiting to be wrapped.  I have a small piece of dark salty chocolate and a glass of wine calling to me on the end table. It's like I stepped right into Mayberry.

 It's perfect. Almost.

I'm sitting here alone.  Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my alone time.  But tonight it's bittersweet. Tonight I'm working through all the emotions of missing my kids on Christmas Eve. They are with their father, eight houses down the street.

We are divorced, and on most days I handle this fact just fine.  I don't miss him at all. But my family being together, that's a whole other ball game.

I go back and forth between being fine with the situation to gut wrenching agony. And the hardest part is I don't always see the emotional switch coming.

I'm here in Philly for a week so I could squeeze in extra time with my big kids over their short winter break. It's been wonderful.  I'll take any extra minute with the kids that I can get.  I'm blessed to be able to travel up here.  Blessed to have such wonderful friends on my old street that welcome me into their home anytime I'm here.  Blessed to have such amazing children with whom I enjoy spending time.

I have so much to be grateful for, and I do not want to minimalize that or take it for granted.  And when I feel sad about my family being split apart, I almost feel guilty because so many have it so much worse.

But the sadness is there, and I do not want to pretend that it doesn't exist. 

I'm working on finding the balance between gratitude and honestly admitting my feelings of loss, sadness, and anger.

I do not like those feelings.  I want them to go away and leave me alone.  I do not want to be angry at my ex for making the choices he made to end our marriage and thus separating me from my kids half of the holidays. But along with the sadness and loss there is anger.

Anger is exhausting to me. It's not something I dwell upon, but as I sit and pay attention I notice that it shows up.

The whirlwind of love, excitement, joy, and gratitude swirled in with sadness, loss, anger, and frustration makes for a mess of my mindfulness meditation.

I'm not sure how to properly deal with all of it, so tonight I chose to write and share.  These are my feelings.  This is my heart: broken, beating, full, tired, teary, happy, grateful, and aware.

I'm learning to breathe through all of it.  I'm learning that my heart keeps beating. I'm learning that I must recognize and honor all the feelings. I'm learning balance. I'm not good at it, but I'm learning.

I'm

I'm back in my hometown.  I've been living back in east Texas for 5 months now.  I'm adjusting.  Only having my youngest living with me (my teenagers are in Philly) has been quite different.  I went from being a full time mom of three kiddos to daily parenting just one.  I cannot adequately put into words just how it feels to have my family split apart, but I'm breathing through the process and working on mindfully recognizing all the feels and making sure I fully appreciate the happy moments while not ignoring the sads.

My body is still recovering from the stress of the Divorce Years. That's what I'm calling the four years from my ex's initial declaration that he'd like a divorce, until the divorce was finalized.  It's kinda like The Wonder Years, only it's not. There were the two years that I fought to save my marriage followed by the two years we were separated, hammering out the details of the divorce paperwork.  And technically it's not completely over because I'm still waiting on a couple of re-finance deals to get my name off a two more rental properties we owned.  Once that's done, I think the dust can finally start to settle.

However, what I have noticed lately is that I no longer require 10-12 hours of sleep each night.  I know, that's a lot, right!  But it became the norm after the separation.  And just within the last month I've started to find myself being able to get out of bed a little easier having only logged 8 or 9 hours of sleep.

Don't get me wrong, my body is still reeling from all the stress.  My shoulders are ridiculously tight (my purse gets heavy and anyone who knows me knows my purse is always SMALL) and I ache just about everywhere. My joints and muscles ache enough to cause me concern, but I'm trying not to worry, because well, that can't make me better and will definitely make me worse.

I'm trying to be healthier.  I'm working on taking sugar out of my diet (not an easy job) hoping that will help. I have yet to manage a consistent daily yoga practice.  I am afraid I'm about to reach the point where I don't just want to do yoga, or need to yoga, but I HAVE to do yoga.  I know better.  I know I should be doing yoga daily.  I also know that I should not beat myself up for not doing all the things I know I should be doing.

I'm working on learning who I am in this new life of mine.  I'm still a mom, but not a wife.  I'm still homeschooling my youngest, but I'm working.  I am figuring out what it feels like to be a single adult. I'm trying to decide if I like the feeling or not, or even what the feeling is.  I'm reorienting, and getting to know myself.  I'm confused.  I'm happy.  I'm achy.  I'm unsure.  I'm anxious.  I'm settled.  I'm determined.