Maybe Someday

Well we're still working on the 'going gray' project.  Here's the most recent shot of the process.

Slowly but surely.

I still feel really excited about it.  It just seems to be taking forever.  I have not felt self conscious in public yet with the multi-toned color of my hair.  I'm not sure how I'll feel as is grows out more.  We'll see.

I'm also not planning to cut it anytime soon. I'm enjoying my curls at the moment and since hair that grows in circles rather than straight down takes forever to get long, I'm in no hurry to cut it short (that was a horrible sentence, and I know it, but I just don't care enough to fix it).  :)

Something that has been bothering me lately, since the gray doesn't, is my inability to escape the negative thought loop in my brain regarding my body image.  Our culture is so hard on women (and men too, I guess) with regards to body size and beauty constructs.

I hate how much emphasis is placed on being thin!  There are very few positive body image advertisements (if any).  The majority of messages women receive from television and print tells us we are never thin enough, young enough, or pretty enough.

I believe that I'm fairly confident in my self most of the time.  I don't ever wear makeup aside from the occasional application of a neutral lipstick.  I don't worry about what people think of my natural, no-makeup, look.  It doesn't matter to me.  I'm growing out my gray hair and loving it.  I don't stress about buying the latest fashions in clothes or shoes.  I want to look nice, but I do a large portion of my clothes shopping at Goodwill.  :)

With that said, I have to admit that I have not conquered my problem of checking the scale every morning.  And since I'm being honest, I usually weigh myself just before going to bed too.  I don't like it, but there it is.  I'm not totally obsessed, but bothered enough with it to check my weight a couple times a day.

I don't diet or restrict my calories  I use real sugar or flavored creamer in my coffee.  I can eat chips and dip like they are going out of style.  I just finished a huge piece of chocolate cake left over from my recent birthday celebration, and it's like 11:30 at night.  I don't stress enough about it to radically change my eating habits, but I do beat myself up mentally more than I'd like.

I feel chunky.  I see the natural curves that a 41 year old mother of three should have, and I wish they weren't there.  I don't like my cottage cheese thighs.  You never see cottage cheese thighs on tv or a magazine cover.  I don't even watch that much tv and I never buy magazines (although you can't avoid seeing them in line at the grocery store).   I know I'm not fat, but it's hard to feel satisfied with my size with such impossible standards being set everywhere around us.

I don't really know where I'm going with this.  It's just annoying.  There are so many more things that I wish filled my thoughts more.  I would love to just not worry about it anymore.  I certainly don't want my daughters to stress about it.  There is so much more to a person than their body size or bmi.  I want to be healthy and strong.  I want to not worry about it at all.  I want to be happy with my self and my health.  Maybe just saying it.  Acknowledging it.  Sitting with it.  Maybe it will help me let it go.  I'd love to let it go.

I'll let you know if I get there.

Back at the Computer

I finally found a moment to sit with my computer and attempt another blog entry.  I guess instead of going for daily, or even weekly, I'll set my goal for monthly and then be terribly pleased when I meet and then (fingers crossed) exceed my goal!  :)

2014 began a little over a month ago and it feels like it's been about three for four really busy days.  We had extra people in our home for some of that time and it was wonderful getting the chance to reconnect so well with them.  Having the number of people in your home basically double in size is an interesting and wonderful phenomenon.  You have the opportunity to learn things about yourself, your kids, and your guests in ways that a brief occasional visit could never teach you.

I really enjoyed seeing my kids experience and adjust to the differences in our home.  They welcomed our guests with open arms, rearranged living quarters and did a terrific job of creating space in our space for others.

There is always a bit of stretching required during something like this, and my kids certainly experienced that too.  There were definitely times of emotional growth, and like physical growth, there were growing pains.  I'm not gonna lie and try to make it seem like we all flowed together in perfect harmony the entire time, that's just not the case.  However, everyone was allowed the chance to express their concerns and feelings, and eventually every hurdle became simply a small speed bump. We continued along in our journey together, with greater appreciation, love, and respect for all of the members of our household.

I can honestly say that the experience reinforced once again my feelings about my blog title.  Life just makes since when we journey together.  This experience would definitely qualify as part of the "together" aspect, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

The going gray process continues.  I feel like my hair is growing much much more slowly now that I want the gray to show up.  It very much felt like I couldn't keep the gray hidden when I was trying to color it, like I had to touch up the roots every other day or so.  It wasn't that bad, but it sure felt like the gray was just spilling out the top of my head.

Now that I'm looking forward to seeing the gray grow out, my hair doesn't seem to change at all.  One of my girlfriends commented the other day that it looked like it was growing really fast.  I guess since I'm seeing myself on a daily basis I just don't notice the change, but for crying out loud!  It feels like the days are going by really quickly, but the hair doesn't change.

It's all about wanting what you can't have.  Don't want gray, can't stop it from showing up.  Ready to embrace the gray and all you can see is the old color treatment not growing out fast enough.  Whine and moan.  Moan and whine.  :) There's a lesson in there somewhere.  It'll get there.  I'll get there.

My littlest one is four and she is beginning to realize just how much she is no longer a "baby."  She is not enjoying this realization much at all.  She comments almost daily on how she wishes she was a baby again.  It's rather sweet and sad all at the same time.

I'm not ready for her to recognize that she is growing up.  I'm saddened by the fact that she is aware of her growing out of babyhood, and that it causes her frustration.  She constantly asks me to carry her. She has become much more needy of my attention.  I love it and feel a bit smothered all at the same time.  The amount of attention she desires from me is reminiscent of newborn days.

I'm doing my best to connect with her as much as possible right now.  We spent a huge amount of time together today, playing princess and puppy dog (her new $2.00 toy set from goodwill).  We cut up a priority mail box and turned it into a house for her princess.  We glued colorful paper down as carpet.  We fashioned couches out of an empty business envelope box, and covered those with colored paper too.  We made a tent for the dog from popsicle sticks.  We folded and taped paper together to make beds for the toys.  We have quite the set up.  ;)  Needless to say, Little One thoroughly enjoyed herself, and honestly I did too (at least once I had my coffee).

We are settled in and prepared for yet another winter storm.  They are predicting 6-12" of snow over night and through tomorrow.  It showed up just in time tonight to have them to cancel school tomorrow.  So for my birthday I get to sleep in!  Maybe I'll find time to collect my thoughts on another year of life and blog some more tomorrow.  Or maybe I'll just sit by the fire and eat cake and ice cream!

Oh!  I bought a box of Lucky Charms for my birthday breakfast.  I don't know who is more excited, me or my kiddos!  Looking forward to a snow covered, magically delicious,  happy birthday.  ;)

I should probably read back through this and edit it.  It feels rather awkward and I know I've rambled, but the fire is dying and my bed is calling.  I turned on the heated mattress pad an hour ago so my toes will be toasty warm.

snugs and peace