One of Those Times

There are times when I feel like I totally know who I am, what I'm up to, and where I'm headed.

This is not one of those times.

There are times when I doubt myself completely.

I feel my heart gripped with anxiety and fear; fear of the future, fear for my kids and the journeys they are making, fear for my abilities to be the adult I'm supposed to be.

This is one of those times.

I find myself more than overwhelmed with an intense desire to crawl into a dark cave, curl up on the floor, and never come out again.

But there is no cave.

I know that the cave is not the answer.

I know that I must keep putting one foot in front of the other, walking in this journey one day at a time (sweet Jesus).

I know that I do not walk alone.

I know that the sun will keep rising, the world will keep spinning, my heart will keep beating, my lungs will keep breathing.  Love never fails, and I will move forward.

I am trying to learn to feel what I'm feeling and I'm trying not to run from those feelings.  I'm trying to sit with whatever comes up.  Recognize what is there and experience it to my core.

My hope is that in fully engaging with the feelings they will somehow loose their intense grip on my heart.

The desire to escape from the emotional stress is so very tempting.

My fear, that I will be overcome by the feelings and be crushed by the pressure of them, causes me to want to run, to look for an escape.

I fall asleep, anxious.

I sleep fitfully.

Then I wake up the next morning and discover that I was not crushed.  Bruised maybe.  Exhausted definitely.  But here I am.

I prefer the confident times.

I will survive the anxious times.

I am trying to learn from both.