I want to blog about how wonderfully happy and perfectly content I am with my life. That's the goal I'm aiming for, contentment and peace. However, lately I feel like I've been falling far short of that goal. Where's a life jacket when I need one?
The rough white water rapids of divorce are certainly not the most pleasant of rides. I've been adjusting for a while and keep thinking I'll be past the stomach curling twists and turns of emotions that come with navigating this territory. I'm not there yet.
No big changes have occurred recently to really speak of, so I'm not sure why I have taken a down turn emotionally. But here I am sopping wet and exhausted.
A few weeks ago at Wellsprings, Lee spoke about liminal space. It was a beautiful message and it spoke directly to me. Below is a brief definition of liminal space:
A liminal space, the place of transition, waiting, and not knowing is…
…a unique spiritual position where human beings hate to be but where the biblical God is always leading them. It is when you have left the tried and true, but have not yet been able to replace it with anything else. It is when you are finally out of the way. It is when you are between your old comfort zone and any possible new answer. If you are not trained in how to hold anxiety, how to live with ambiguity, how to entrust and wait, you will run…anything to flee this terrible cloud of unknowing. - Richard Rohr
I'm right in the big, fat, uncomfortable middle of a liminal space, and it sucks.
Then today at Wellsprings, Rev. Ken spoke on grief. The message hit home with me just as much as Lee's message. One of the things he mentioned is how the stages of grief don't necessarily come all packaged up in a nice orderly row. I can wholeheartedly agree with this statement. I've been working through a whole range of emotions going through this divorce period in my life and the stages of grief I experience jump around more than my 5 year old (and she is as bouncy as a brand new rubber ball)!
Rev. Ken referenced an article he posted on facebook about grief. It's a beautiful article. The link below takes you to the article. It's definitely worth the read.
The article talks about dealing with physical death. My situation does not involve a physical death, but an emotional one. The death of my marriage has been life altering. I'm still grieving the loss of so many hopes and dreams. I'm tired of dealing with the emotions. I'm tired of the anxiety, the ambiguity, the waiting, the uncertainty, the frustration. I want to "flee this terrible cloud of unknowing."
But here I sit.
I will do my best not to run away.
I will do my best to keep my head above the water.
I will ride out the stomach churning twists and turns.
I will sit.
I will live.
I will love.
I will forever take comfort knowing that I am not alone.
