Namaste

Well, it's been a while since I blogged last, more than two months actually.  Summer has whizzed by more quickly than I could ever have imagined!

I started my summer break traveling to Texas to see family.  I drove in with my god-daughter and my Little One.  I drove because I had a dining room set in Texas that I was going to be bringing with me back to PA.

My grandmother passed away last summer, and the dining room set that she and my grandfather had for most of their 70 years of marriage was given to me.  It was originally offered to a couple of other family members who chose not to take it.  When the offer was presented to me a few years ago I was thrilled beyond words to be offered the set.  My grandmother knew that once she passed it would be mine.  It made me happy that she knew where it would be going once she was "Home."

I drove my van in, my father installed the hitch addition, after a longer stay in East TX than originally planned, the trailer was loaded up, the drive back was made (my mother and Little One in tow on the way home) and now I have a new, wonderfully old, dining room.  It makes my heart smile just sitting here looking at it.  Knowing I can sit in the chair my grandfather drank his coffee in every morning, warms me to the very core of my being.

Texas time included my father's side family reunion, wonderful time with my sisters, a perfect beach vacation with most of the nieces and nephews, a little bit of time with a few friends, my mom's 69th birthday party, coffee here and there with my dad, and time working on a friends home.  I had an amazing time with more stories than I have time to share.  It had been almost a year since I'd been back in my parents home and I loved being there!

The trip was extended because I had the chance to stay and help a friend finish out the interior of her home.  I can honestly say power tools are deliciously fun and sexy to use!  :)  When I grow up maybe I'll be a carpenter.  We spent two weeks finishing out the interior of her home from the ground up.  It's a small place, but perfect for her.  I'm sure a "real" carpenter would find many things that could have been done better, but we had a blast, listened to all sorts of country music, learned a lot, and laughed even more.  I believe we created some of the best memories I'll ever have.  :)  I was grateful for the opportunity to help and even more grateful for the reconnection with my friend.  :)

The last year has brought quite a bit of change in my life, and my time away this summer has allowed me the head space to finally think about blogging about it.  It's been an interesting ride to say the least. I am happy to have begun to find the words to talk about the biggest change and challenge that I have lived through.  This challenge would be the end of my marriage.

The title of my blog is all about walking together in this journey of life.  I am now beginning to have the clarity to share about my journey into and eventually completely through divorce.

Divorce was never something I imagined I would have to work through.  It's been an exhausting, emotional, mind boggling process, but I can easily say that I have felt the hand of God clearly upon my life throughout every step of this journey.

Things are very good between me and my former partner.  We are working through the details of separating our personal lives while continuing to maintain our combined roles as parents for our three children.

The children are adjusting well to the new situation.  We are working to minimize the changes for the kids as much as possible.  We have worked out a schedule that I now know is called Bird Nesting.  The kids stay at the house and the adults take turns being in the home.  This way the kids schedules are not interrupted and the adults, who are more capable of dealing with change and challenges, bear the brunt of differences divorce creates.

There have been more emotions than I can even begin to describe. I have seen amazing examples of love and compassion from close friends, my spiritual community, and my family throughout this journey.  I would never begin to describe the process as simple or easy. It's a process, sometimes it's a breath by breath, moment by moment, minute by minute process, but it is a doable process.

I am not finished with this part of my journey, but I have been in it long enough to finally talk about it. And the one thing of which I am absolutely certain is that I could not have made it this far alone.  I have had the strength of friends and family carrying me along constantly.

If you don't believe in God, I understand.  There are people in my life who question God's existence, and I completely understand the place from which those questions arise.  I say God's hand has been on me through out this process.  I choose to phrase it like that.  I believe in God because I see Love lived out in my life through the people who care about me.  You can call it whatever you like.  God, Love, Light...

I am walking through the process of divorce.  I do not walk alone.  Love walks with me made real in the people who care for me.  God walks with me.

Why do people care?  I don't know.

I think there are lots of answers to that question.  And maybe there isn't really a right answer.  But I firmly believe that people care.  I am loved. God is Love.  People have love to give.  People are God made real in my life.

I have said it many times and I'll say it again-I have some of the best friends on the planet.  My life is full to overflowing with people who love me. My life is full of Love. My life is full of Light. My life is full of God.

Come walk with me!

Namaste

Downsized-ish

After twenty plus years in my chosen career, I've been downsized.  Things change, and sometimes no matter how hard you try or how much you work, @#it happens.

That's what I'm going through right now. For over twenty years I've dedicated myself to my job.  I showed up every day, rain or shine, and did my best to do my best. I have been faithful to my company and committed to my career. It has not always been easy. And there have certainly been days when I considered throwing in the towel.  The phrase, "take this job and shove it" is well known for a reason. But I stayed. 

I had plans to work through to retirement. I had a vision for my future and it always included this career. I have not ever considered other job opportunities.  I have been happy, hopeful, engaged, and energetic.

Sometimes this just isn't enough.  Sometimes for reasons beyond our control or our comprehension someone must be let go.  Downsizing happens. This process is not unfamiliar in today's world.  I'm certainly not the only one whose future turned on a dime.  There are lots of people who have had to rebuild later into their career. I am now one of those people.

I'm a forty something, slightly gray-headed, woman who finds herself standing at the edge of tomorrow with no idea of what tomorrow may hold.  

Before, I felt like I knew where I was heading, and there was definitely a clear direction. 

Now I'm not so sure.

I have been downsized and I'm struggling to fully grasp just how I feel about the situation. 

Part of me wonders if there was something I could have done to avoid this.  Is there a way I could have worked harder? Something I could have done to prove I was worth keeping? Could I have put in more hours? Where did I go wrong? What details did I miss? Did I drop the ball?

The other part of me knows that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I gave my job my all.  I did everything I could do.  I worked as hard as possible. I poured myself into my career.

I was downsized anyway.

Am I a failure? Or have I found freedom?

I choose freedom.  Instead of wondering what could have been, I'm going to focus on what will be.  

I will walk away with my head held high. 

Tomorrow is no longer the familiar place I dreamed about, but it is certainly an exciting place.  The path laid out before me vanished, and a blank canvas has appeared.

I'm no artist, but I think I'll give this a go.  I'm afraid and hesitant.  I don't like to make mistakes. I've never been one to really take chances. 

Recently a friend checked a children's book out from the library for me. It's title "Ish," by Peter H. Reynolds.  Below is the summary about the book, 

"Drawing is what Ramon does. It¹s what makes him happy. But in one split second, all that changes. A single reckless remark by Ramon's older brother, Leon, turns Ramon's carefree sketches into joyless struggles. Luckily for Ramon, though, his little sister, Marisol, sees the world differently. She opens his eyes to something a lot more valuable than getting things just "right." Combining the spareness of fable with the potency of parable, Peter Reynolds shines a bright beam of light on the need to kindle and tend our creative flames with care. "

I will embrace my new found freedom and learn to discover my own creative abilities. My canvas will be colorful and full of life.  

Will it be perfect? It will be perfect-ish.

Will it be extraordinary?  It will be extraordinary-ish. 

Will it be beautiful? Absolutely! 

I am determined to enjoy the creative challenge that has been placed before me. What will I be when I grow up? Who knows? Tomorrow is mine for the discovery.  

Come walk with me!

It Just Feels Right!

So it's been six months since I started my journey to growing out my natural hair color.  I stopped coloring the gray and just decided to see what would happened.  I have thoroughly enjoyed this process and have not experienced even one day of regret. I was a little hesitant, but decided I was ready to see what was hiding under all of those chemicals.  

The pictures above sort of show the progression, but I don't really feel like any of them really show the gray as well as I'd like.  :)

Along with the gray, there have been some other new developments in my journey. Life seems to be extremely busy happening around me and I'm continually learning to roll with the punches.  Actually sometimes it feels much more like I'm just strapped into a roller coaster, in the dark, that never repeats, and I'm just holding on for the dear life.  ;)

One way or another, life is not ever without its surprises!  Some of them are not so welcome and others are wonderful "God-winks" (thanks Aunt Maggie for the term).  I'm living in a swirl of both the unwelcome and "God-winks" and I'm mindfully learning to love it.

One of the more recent changes I am absolutely thrilled with came about due to the encouragement of my oldest god-daughter.  I've been tempted to cut off all of my hair and start over with just the new gray.  I've considered it for a while, but been to chicken to just go for it.

On Mother's Day evening I was blessed to hang out with my two god-daughters, their mom, and another wonderful friend.  We were enjoying the Mother's Day cheese cake and champagne when my oldest god-daughter asked again about my hair.  My friend Amy said she was happy to cut it if I was willing.  ;) 

Maybe it was the champagne, maybe it was the sugar, but look what I did!  :)

Woo Hoo!!!  :)  I have not had hair this short since I was in the first grade.  It feels absolutely amazing!!!!  There is still quite a bit of my original dark brown in the back and that is cool.  :)  I've missed my real color so much!  I am very much enjoying seeing the dark brown intermingled with my new gray.  ;)

A fresh new hair cut feels very much like a fresh new start.  It's my real hair.  MY hair. Not fake, not fluff, not forced, just me.  The real me and I absolutely and completely love it!

This collage shows the evenings progression.  Thank you Frannie for your encouragement!  Thank you Jor for the video and the laughs!  Thank you Kbly for your unending love and support.  Thank you Amy for your abounding love and your willingness to help a friend at all times!

I feel alive and empowered.  I love the fact that this ended up taking place on Mother's Day.  It just feels right. Very, very right!

These Boots

I pulled my old boots out of the back of my closet the other day.  I've had them since I was in high school.  I literally wore the bottoms off of them.  I've kept them around for 20+ years mainly for sentimental reasons.

I love my boots.  ;)

When I pulled them on and it felt like a hug from an old friend,  :)  so comfortable and wonderfully familiar.  Made me wonder what took me so long to remember they were back there.

I have not worn them since high school, and I have no idea about current cowboy boot style. Frankly I don't care.   I will wear them joyfully and with pride.

I had to have new soles put on them, and getting them back from the cobbler was divine.  It's like I have a brand new pair of boots, but they are already broke in perfectly, and the leather is amazingly soft and comfortable.

I slipped into them and felt, deep inside, the spark of a much younger me stir.  I felt a bit like the young girl I was when I first wore my boots.  I remembered the feelings of youth, and seeing my entire life ahead of me. I recalled feeling rather indestructible.  I remembered hope, anticipation, expectation, exhilaration, and life pulsing through my veins.  Fear was there, but often it was almost fully overshadowed by the vibrancy of youth.

I stood for a moment completely enthralled by the flood of memories from my youth.

But I also stood there fully aware of the twenty plus years I had experienced since then.

I thought about how as life had continued and years had passed I learned that with hope there can be disappointment.  That anticipation and expectation are at times exhausting when you are always looking for the next thing.

I learned that sometimes life just plain sucks.  And some days you just have to wade through it.

Guess it's good I've still got my Shit-Kickers.  Guess it's even better that they no longer have holes in the bottoms.  :)

I've got an old pair of boots with new life in the soles.  It feels like a pretty fitting way to describe where I'm at at this point in my life too.  :)

I'm walking new paths in new directions that I never imagined as a girl so long ago. I'm walking a bit more unsure of my future than I thought I'd be at this age, but I'll keep walking.  I've got amazing friends walking along with me.  I'm learning to enjoy the journey for today and not for where I might eventually end up.  I'm no longer in a hurry to get there, and I'm not even sure that I know where "there" is anymore.  

Everyday I'm feeling more and more comfortable in my own skin.  And that is a lovely feeling.  I'll wear my old boots whenever I want with whatever I want and I'll smile all the while.  :)  Boots are made for walking, and I'm walking.

Someone should write a song about that. ;)

and just in case you're curious, here's a recent picture of the gray . . .

.

Yay!

Been a terrific day.  :)

Had dinner and a good chat with a friend at our favorite restaurant, yay!

Got a new shirt (from Goodwill, my favorite store) from my God-daughter, and it's a Jane Austen shirt of all things, double yay!

Spent about an hour hanging out and chatting with my Middle One.  She's in 6th grade and my social butterfly, so her time is often dedicated to her friends.  I find it wonderfully special when I get a small window into her world and she shares her thoughts with me, triple yay!

And lastly, here is a shot of the continued Going Gray process. I didn't actually plan to take this shot so my hair is just sorta doing it's own thing.  It looks rather swoopy on top in the picture, but oh well. :) And when I look at this shot it feels like my forehead goes on for miles!  LOL!

I'm still absolutely loving this journey of finding my authentic self, quadruple yay!

A little over four months into the growing out process.

The Artist

I read with my Little One every day.  We read a lot.  She is four and loves picture books, so we look at a lot of illustrations.  She is four, so she asks a lot of questions.  Questions like, "Why is she wearing a blue shirt?"  or "Why is there a bird in that tree?" or "Why does the house have an orange door?" or "Why does he have curly hair?"  or "Why is she taller than her friend?"

After many, many, many, many of these type of questions, and many, many, many well thought out and detailed answers, there are times when a mom just needs the book to be completed.  :)

At times like this, when endless questions about illustrations abound, I have found myself eventually answering, "I guess it's because that's the way the artist drew it."

Evidently this answer makes a lot of sense to the concrete mind of a four year old. Once I use this answer, she seems to simply accept that this makes perfect sense, and she never questions WHY the artist chose to draw it like that.

So earlier today, out of the blue, she wonders into the kitchen and says, "Mommy, can I ask you a question?" Which may or may not mean she has an actual question.  She might simply state that her name is now officially Panda Bear and then scamper back off to her toys.  She's four, you never know.

But this time she had a question.

"Mommy, if the artist makes us, who makes the artist?"

I love these little windows into the mind of a child.  I love seeing how she's working to piece her world together.  Seeing how she's learning to incorporate into her conversations all of the various words she hears.  Seeing her question and explore the world around her.

I am fascinated with how she uses language to express her thoughts and how it can reveal her level of understanding.

This is what I gleaned from her question.  Evidently, since "the artist" creates all of the illustrations, "the artist" is the creator. People and things in the books are created by "the artist," so all things must be created by "the artist."  Which means we are created by "the artist." And if there is an "artist" doing all of this creating, from whence did this "artist" come?

"If the artist makes us, who makes the artist?"

I'm not about to pretend like I can even begin to answer that question.  My answer to her was simply, "That's a wonderful question!"  And because she is four, that was all the answer she needed.

I love my Little One.  I love my life.

Life is continually being illustrated around me and, in my humble opinion, "the artist" is doing a stunning job!

Curve Ball

Sometimes life just throws you a curve ball.

I mean, you've completed spring training.  You worked your butt off at all the practices and pre-season games.  You played well in the season opener.  Your batting average is climbing.  You're learning how to see what might be coming from the pitchers a bit earlier.  You don't have all of the pitches figured out, but feel like you can stand in the batters box and take a swing with confidence. Even when the count is full, you have faith in all of the hours of batting practice.  You believe you'll make it on base. And then low and behold, the biggest curve ball of curve balls comes at you.

Three strikes.  You're out.

What I'm learning in life is that there are times when it doesn't matter how much you've practiced, prepared, studied, worked, struggled, and fought, you get thrown a curve ball and find yourself turning slowly and dragging your feet back to the dugout.

So here I sit, head in my hands, trying to figure out if there was something else I could have done, or some way I could have better anticipated the pitch.  Wishing I could call for a "do-over."  Wondering if I'd practiced a bit longer or worked a bit harder maybe I'd have made contact with that pitch.

But that game is over.  That pitch has been thrown. The bat has been silently swung. The call has been made. The out has been recorded.

Now what?

Now I'm going to sit with the silence and breathe.

Now I'm going to take time to take time.

I'm going to hug my kids and pay attention to how much taller they may be since the last hug.

I'm going to hear to the music playing in the background.

I'm going to watch spring slowly return.

I'm going to live, and love, and laugh, and learn.

Will I see the next curve ball when it's thrown?  Maybe so, maybe not.  Will I hit one out of the park or will I find myself once again sitting silently in the dugout?

Who knows?

If I'm triumphantly jogging the bases, head held high, watching the ball soar over the outfield wall, I'll enjoy that moment.  If I'm quietly returning to the dugout I hope  I will have learned how to be present in that moment too.

Four months into the "growing out" process!  :)

As for the 'going gray' process, I'm now four months in.  This is a shot of me sitting here as I finish up this blog entry.  I have not done a thing to my hair today aside from pull it back into a scrunchie.  Just thought I'd share a shot so you could see amount of gray that has grown in.

I'm still very much enjoying the process of returning to my authentic hair color.  There are moments when I think I'll cut off all of the colored hair and just try a short style so it's at least all one color.  Then I have a good curl day and I decide I like my curls too much to chop them all off.  I go back and forth.

I think I'll get some length trimmed off soon, just because.  Maybe I'll be in a courageous mood that day and just take more and more off.  We'll see.  :)