I will . . .

It's been a while since I sat down to write.  Life continues to flow at a busy pace, and I find myself going with the flow.  Sometimes I'm navigating smooth waters and other times I'm being pulled along with the current and just doing my best to keep my head above the water's surface.

I want to blog about how wonderfully happy and perfectly content I am with my life. That's the goal I'm aiming for, contentment and peace.  However, lately I feel like I've been falling far short of that goal.  Where's a life jacket when I need one?

The rough white water rapids of divorce are certainly not the most pleasant of rides.  I've been adjusting for a while and keep thinking I'll be past the stomach curling twists and turns of emotions that come with navigating this territory.  I'm not there yet.

No big changes have occurred recently to really speak of, so I'm not sure why I have taken a down turn emotionally.  But here I am sopping wet and exhausted.

A few weeks ago at Wellsprings, Lee spoke about liminal space.  It was a beautiful message and it spoke directly to me.  Below is a brief definition of liminal space:

A liminal space, the place of transition, waiting, and not knowing is…

…a unique spiritual position where human beings hate to be but where the biblical God is always leading them. It is when you have left the tried and true, but have not yet been able to replace it with anything else. It is when you are finally out of the way. It is when you are between your old comfort zone and any possible new answer. If you are not trained in how to hold anxiety, how to live with ambiguity, how to entrust and wait, you will run…anything to flee this terrible cloud of unknowing. - Richard Rohr

I'm right in the big, fat, uncomfortable middle of a liminal space, and it sucks.

Then today at Wellsprings, Rev. Ken spoke on grief.  The message hit home with me just as much as Lee's message.  One of the things he mentioned is how the stages of grief don't necessarily come all packaged up in a nice orderly row.  I can wholeheartedly agree with this statement.  I've been working through a whole range of emotions going through this divorce period in my life and the stages of grief I experience jump around more than my 5 year old (and she is as bouncy as a brand new rubber ball)!

Rev. Ken referenced an article he posted on facebook about grief.   It's a beautiful article. The link below takes you to the article. It's definitely worth the read.

http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/01/10/getting-grief-right/?_r=0

The article talks about dealing with physical death.  My situation does not involve a physical death, but an emotional one.  The death of my marriage has been life altering.  I'm still grieving the loss of so many hopes and dreams.  I'm tired of dealing with the emotions.  I'm tired of the anxiety, the ambiguity, the waiting, the uncertainty, the frustration.  I want to "flee this terrible cloud of unknowing."

But here I sit.

I will do my best not to run away.  

I will do my best to keep my head above the water.

I will ride out the stomach churning twists and turns. 

I will sit.

I will live.

I will love. 

I will forever take comfort knowing that I am not alone.

One of Those Times

There are times when I feel like I totally know who I am, what I'm up to, and where I'm headed.

This is not one of those times.

There are times when I doubt myself completely.

I feel my heart gripped with anxiety and fear; fear of the future, fear for my kids and the journeys they are making, fear for my abilities to be the adult I'm supposed to be.

This is one of those times.

I find myself more than overwhelmed with an intense desire to crawl into a dark cave, curl up on the floor, and never come out again.

But there is no cave.

I know that the cave is not the answer.

I know that I must keep putting one foot in front of the other, walking in this journey one day at a time (sweet Jesus).

I know that I do not walk alone.

I know that the sun will keep rising, the world will keep spinning, my heart will keep beating, my lungs will keep breathing.  Love never fails, and I will move forward.

I am trying to learn to feel what I'm feeling and I'm trying not to run from those feelings.  I'm trying to sit with whatever comes up.  Recognize what is there and experience it to my core.

My hope is that in fully engaging with the feelings they will somehow loose their intense grip on my heart.

The desire to escape from the emotional stress is so very tempting.

My fear, that I will be overcome by the feelings and be crushed by the pressure of them, causes me to want to run, to look for an escape.

I fall asleep, anxious.

I sleep fitfully.

Then I wake up the next morning and discover that I was not crushed.  Bruised maybe.  Exhausted definitely.  But here I am.

I prefer the confident times.

I will survive the anxious times.

I am trying to learn from both.

2015, Here I Come

2015 is off and running and I'm running more behind than ever with this blog.  I don't have a ton of time this evening to write, but thought I'd put a bit on the page and see how it looks.  And maybe I'll just live life right on the edge and not even bother with proof reading.  I'll throw it out there and just see where it lands!

Things I'm doing now:

• I am committing to a daily personal yoga practice.  This was not a new years resolution, as I just committed to this on the 18th.  I've been doing yoga since 2002 and I have had regular practices off and on since then.  Yoga is the one exercise that I miss when I don't practice.  I have taken months off at a time during the past 12-13 years, but I hope to never do that again.  
• I am also committing to a daily mindfulness meditation practice.  This is something I've been working at integrating into my life since I joined the congregation at Wellsprings last March.  I have been incorporating mindfulness into my life with greater and greater intention over the past months.  Some days my practice was a simple as a few deep breaths during a moment of stress.  More often than not, this was as much practice as I'd get.  However I have committed myself to a daily seated meditation.  I hear Rev. Ken's words "nothing replaces having your tush on the cush," and I am inspired to see just how this practice will change and grow for me this year.  I've started the timer at 15 minutes and plan to increase in small increments as the days pass. 
• I am also starting yoga teacher training mid-February.  I will have my 200 hour certification by mid-November.  I hope to start teaching as soon as possible.  I'd love to develop a yoga business that serves people of all ages.  I'd like to offer classes for kids, adults, mom's to be, new moms, and seniors and anyone else who is interested.  Yoga has so many amazing benefits and I'm excited about getting to the place where I can share my yoga with people!  ;)
• I hope to be cleaning houses. In the interim between now and when I can begin the yoga thing, I'm going to try to find a couple of houses that I can clean in order to rustle up a little bit of extra cash.  I'd like to continue to be home with my Little One as much as possible and my Oldest One is still at home doing cyber school.  So this seems like it might be a flexible enough idea to fit the bill.  And as strange as it may sound, I love to clean.  And as a stay-at-home mom of almost 16 years, I certainly know my way around cleaning supplies!  :)  Cleaning is sort of a zen thing for me.  I can really tune into the process and appreciate the minuteness of the details.  And who doesn't love a clean bathroom?  I mean come on, a sparkling clean tub just makes everyone feel better.  :)
• And finally, I'm learning how to be me.  I'm 41 and I'm learning how to be my own person.   It's a weird feeling to just be a "me" and not an "us."  I was married at 19 and find myself single at 41.  My entire adult life has been spent as part of couple and now I'm just me.  It's exciting and terrifying all at the same time.  I'll be alright, I know that.  God is good and I see God's love all around me.  However, there are a lot of changes in my life that were unexpected and not exactly what I've spent my adult years planning for.  I have opportunities before me that I never imagined.  I also have challenges before me that I never imagined too.  A large part of me desperately wants to fast forward to the end of 2015 and be able to see how it looks in hindsight.  That's where the mindfulness comes back into play.  I will sit with each moment in 2015 and do my best to be present in the now.  I will get to know me.  I will be present for my kids.  I will learn what it feels like to be  me when I'm excited, anxious, alone, nervous, scared, optimistic, tired, happy, sad, frustrated, joyful and the list goes on and on and on.  I will learn to be me.  I will learn.

So, that's kinda where I'm at.  I'll try to keep y'all posted. It certainly makes for an interesting journey. Feel free to walk along with me.  :)

Where did the last year go?

Just over a year ago I stopped coloring my hair.  This was my best attempt to find my natural brown (which failed miserably) with a delightful skunk stripe showing up nicely.

This is what my hair looks like today. It's much shorter than last year and I'm absolutely loving the way the gray is coming in.  There is a tiny bit of the brown color on the tips, but I'm enjoying growing it out so I plan to wait a bit more before I trim it up again.

November 18, 2014

I thought I was blogging on the one year anniversary of the beginning of my hair journey.  Turns out I didn't remember the date right.  I've been telling myself for months now that I made the decision to stop coloring my hair on the 18th of November.  Eighteen is my favorite number!  But when I looked back last year's blog it was clearly the 16th.  Oops!  :)

The hair thing seems to be under control, if only I could say the same for the rest of life! Lol!  

My youngest just turned five last week.  She is my "little hurricane" (a nick name her great grandmother coined) and she keeps my wheels spinning almost constantly.  I cannot count the number of times I hear her call "mom" in a day.  She is my little shadow and I adore her.  Her high volume levels have not improved as she's gotten older, the lung capacity has just increased!   She continually puts a smile on my face.  I can't complete a full thought without her chatting at me, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Next there is my oldest (15) and the middle (12) kiddos.  The drama of the teen years has fully descended!   I love it and hate it all at the same time.  I'm starting to see glimpses of the adults that I hope they will one day become and it's a beautiful sight.  I am thrilled when they want to spend time with me and talk.  I hate the times when they just can't stand the sight of me. You never can tell which personality might show up at any given moment.  Keeps me on my toes.  Life is a party!

The journey continues.  Twists and turns abound and there is never a dull moment.  

Come walk with me.  

Namaste

Well, it's been a while since I blogged last, more than two months actually.  Summer has whizzed by more quickly than I could ever have imagined!

I started my summer break traveling to Texas to see family.  I drove in with my god-daughter and my Little One.  I drove because I had a dining room set in Texas that I was going to be bringing with me back to PA.

My grandmother passed away last summer, and the dining room set that she and my grandfather had for most of their 70 years of marriage was given to me.  It was originally offered to a couple of other family members who chose not to take it.  When the offer was presented to me a few years ago I was thrilled beyond words to be offered the set.  My grandmother knew that once she passed it would be mine.  It made me happy that she knew where it would be going once she was "Home."

I drove my van in, my father installed the hitch addition, after a longer stay in East TX than originally planned, the trailer was loaded up, the drive back was made (my mother and Little One in tow on the way home) and now I have a new, wonderfully old, dining room.  It makes my heart smile just sitting here looking at it.  Knowing I can sit in the chair my grandfather drank his coffee in every morning, warms me to the very core of my being.

Texas time included my father's side family reunion, wonderful time with my sisters, a perfect beach vacation with most of the nieces and nephews, a little bit of time with a few friends, my mom's 69th birthday party, coffee here and there with my dad, and time working on a friends home.  I had an amazing time with more stories than I have time to share.  It had been almost a year since I'd been back in my parents home and I loved being there!

The trip was extended because I had the chance to stay and help a friend finish out the interior of her home.  I can honestly say power tools are deliciously fun and sexy to use!  :)  When I grow up maybe I'll be a carpenter.  We spent two weeks finishing out the interior of her home from the ground up.  It's a small place, but perfect for her.  I'm sure a "real" carpenter would find many things that could have been done better, but we had a blast, listened to all sorts of country music, learned a lot, and laughed even more.  I believe we created some of the best memories I'll ever have.  :)  I was grateful for the opportunity to help and even more grateful for the reconnection with my friend.  :)

The last year has brought quite a bit of change in my life, and my time away this summer has allowed me the head space to finally think about blogging about it.  It's been an interesting ride to say the least. I am happy to have begun to find the words to talk about the biggest change and challenge that I have lived through.  This challenge would be the end of my marriage.

The title of my blog is all about walking together in this journey of life.  I am now beginning to have the clarity to share about my journey into and eventually completely through divorce.

Divorce was never something I imagined I would have to work through.  It's been an exhausting, emotional, mind boggling process, but I can easily say that I have felt the hand of God clearly upon my life throughout every step of this journey.

Things are very good between me and my former partner.  We are working through the details of separating our personal lives while continuing to maintain our combined roles as parents for our three children.

The children are adjusting well to the new situation.  We are working to minimize the changes for the kids as much as possible.  We have worked out a schedule that I now know is called Bird Nesting.  The kids stay at the house and the adults take turns being in the home.  This way the kids schedules are not interrupted and the adults, who are more capable of dealing with change and challenges, bear the brunt of differences divorce creates.

There have been more emotions than I can even begin to describe. I have seen amazing examples of love and compassion from close friends, my spiritual community, and my family throughout this journey.  I would never begin to describe the process as simple or easy. It's a process, sometimes it's a breath by breath, moment by moment, minute by minute process, but it is a doable process.

I am not finished with this part of my journey, but I have been in it long enough to finally talk about it. And the one thing of which I am absolutely certain is that I could not have made it this far alone.  I have had the strength of friends and family carrying me along constantly.

If you don't believe in God, I understand.  There are people in my life who question God's existence, and I completely understand the place from which those questions arise.  I say God's hand has been on me through out this process.  I choose to phrase it like that.  I believe in God because I see Love lived out in my life through the people who care about me.  You can call it whatever you like.  God, Love, Light...

I am walking through the process of divorce.  I do not walk alone.  Love walks with me made real in the people who care for me.  God walks with me.

Why do people care?  I don't know.

I think there are lots of answers to that question.  And maybe there isn't really a right answer.  But I firmly believe that people care.  I am loved. God is Love.  People have love to give.  People are God made real in my life.

I have said it many times and I'll say it again-I have some of the best friends on the planet.  My life is full to overflowing with people who love me. My life is full of Love. My life is full of Light. My life is full of God.

Come walk with me!

Namaste

Downsized-ish

After twenty plus years in my chosen career, I've been downsized.  Things change, and sometimes no matter how hard you try or how much you work, @#it happens.

That's what I'm going through right now. For over twenty years I've dedicated myself to my job.  I showed up every day, rain or shine, and did my best to do my best. I have been faithful to my company and committed to my career. It has not always been easy. And there have certainly been days when I considered throwing in the towel.  The phrase, "take this job and shove it" is well known for a reason. But I stayed. 

I had plans to work through to retirement. I had a vision for my future and it always included this career. I have not ever considered other job opportunities.  I have been happy, hopeful, engaged, and energetic.

Sometimes this just isn't enough.  Sometimes for reasons beyond our control or our comprehension someone must be let go.  Downsizing happens. This process is not unfamiliar in today's world.  I'm certainly not the only one whose future turned on a dime.  There are lots of people who have had to rebuild later into their career. I am now one of those people.

I'm a forty something, slightly gray-headed, woman who finds herself standing at the edge of tomorrow with no idea of what tomorrow may hold.  

Before, I felt like I knew where I was heading, and there was definitely a clear direction. 

Now I'm not so sure.

I have been downsized and I'm struggling to fully grasp just how I feel about the situation. 

Part of me wonders if there was something I could have done to avoid this.  Is there a way I could have worked harder? Something I could have done to prove I was worth keeping? Could I have put in more hours? Where did I go wrong? What details did I miss? Did I drop the ball?

The other part of me knows that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I gave my job my all.  I did everything I could do.  I worked as hard as possible. I poured myself into my career.

I was downsized anyway.

Am I a failure? Or have I found freedom?

I choose freedom.  Instead of wondering what could have been, I'm going to focus on what will be.  

I will walk away with my head held high. 

Tomorrow is no longer the familiar place I dreamed about, but it is certainly an exciting place.  The path laid out before me vanished, and a blank canvas has appeared.

I'm no artist, but I think I'll give this a go.  I'm afraid and hesitant.  I don't like to make mistakes. I've never been one to really take chances. 

Recently a friend checked a children's book out from the library for me. It's title "Ish," by Peter H. Reynolds.  Below is the summary about the book, 

"Drawing is what Ramon does. It¹s what makes him happy. But in one split second, all that changes. A single reckless remark by Ramon's older brother, Leon, turns Ramon's carefree sketches into joyless struggles. Luckily for Ramon, though, his little sister, Marisol, sees the world differently. She opens his eyes to something a lot more valuable than getting things just "right." Combining the spareness of fable with the potency of parable, Peter Reynolds shines a bright beam of light on the need to kindle and tend our creative flames with care. "

I will embrace my new found freedom and learn to discover my own creative abilities. My canvas will be colorful and full of life.  

Will it be perfect? It will be perfect-ish.

Will it be extraordinary?  It will be extraordinary-ish. 

Will it be beautiful? Absolutely! 

I am determined to enjoy the creative challenge that has been placed before me. What will I be when I grow up? Who knows? Tomorrow is mine for the discovery.  

Come walk with me!

It Just Feels Right!

So it's been six months since I started my journey to growing out my natural hair color.  I stopped coloring the gray and just decided to see what would happened.  I have thoroughly enjoyed this process and have not experienced even one day of regret. I was a little hesitant, but decided I was ready to see what was hiding under all of those chemicals.  

The pictures above sort of show the progression, but I don't really feel like any of them really show the gray as well as I'd like.  :)

Along with the gray, there have been some other new developments in my journey. Life seems to be extremely busy happening around me and I'm continually learning to roll with the punches.  Actually sometimes it feels much more like I'm just strapped into a roller coaster, in the dark, that never repeats, and I'm just holding on for the dear life.  ;)

One way or another, life is not ever without its surprises!  Some of them are not so welcome and others are wonderful "God-winks" (thanks Aunt Maggie for the term).  I'm living in a swirl of both the unwelcome and "God-winks" and I'm mindfully learning to love it.

One of the more recent changes I am absolutely thrilled with came about due to the encouragement of my oldest god-daughter.  I've been tempted to cut off all of my hair and start over with just the new gray.  I've considered it for a while, but been to chicken to just go for it.

On Mother's Day evening I was blessed to hang out with my two god-daughters, their mom, and another wonderful friend.  We were enjoying the Mother's Day cheese cake and champagne when my oldest god-daughter asked again about my hair.  My friend Amy said she was happy to cut it if I was willing.  ;) 

Maybe it was the champagne, maybe it was the sugar, but look what I did!  :)

Woo Hoo!!!  :)  I have not had hair this short since I was in the first grade.  It feels absolutely amazing!!!!  There is still quite a bit of my original dark brown in the back and that is cool.  :)  I've missed my real color so much!  I am very much enjoying seeing the dark brown intermingled with my new gray.  ;)

A fresh new hair cut feels very much like a fresh new start.  It's my real hair.  MY hair. Not fake, not fluff, not forced, just me.  The real me and I absolutely and completely love it!

This collage shows the evenings progression.  Thank you Frannie for your encouragement!  Thank you Jor for the video and the laughs!  Thank you Kbly for your unending love and support.  Thank you Amy for your abounding love and your willingness to help a friend at all times!

I feel alive and empowered.  I love the fact that this ended up taking place on Mother's Day.  It just feels right. Very, very right!