Fuster Cluck Inside My Head

Sitting here this morning drinking coffee with a bit of half and half.  Not up as early as I would have liked, but I didn't have to set an alarm this morning and evidently my body needed a bit more sleep last night. I've read my usual morning quiet time stuff.  I did a brief sitting meditation.

October began yesterday, and life continues.  Some days one thrives and others one survives. Yesterday was one of those "survive" days for me.

It happens.

It wasn't because I was working at some backbreaking task, or running kids here and there while juggling errands and phone calls.  Both of those options would certainly have made the day much better.  Yesterday was one of those "in your head" sort of days, and sometimes those can be much more challenging.

Yesterday morning I stumbled upon a journal I had started just over twenty years ago. The date was April 28, 1998.  This turned out to be exactly one year minus one day prior to me giving birth to my first child, on April 27, 1999.

I was twenty-five, had been married five and a half years. I had finished college and a brief 5th grade teaching stint.  We had just moved back to Waxahachie after my ex had completed his coursework on his Ph.D.

As I read through a couple entries in this old journal, I found the feelings much more familiar than I expected.  My 25-year-old self had written about feeling a bit lost and confused regarding her path and purpose in life.  And it felt like a kick in the gut to realize that those feelings are once again an ever-present reality in my life.

In my journal, I described how we had decided to begin our family, and I had written about my feelings regarding all the waiting that goes into trying to get pregnant.  Waiting to ovulate, waiting to see if we had gotten pregnant, waiting to see the doctor when things went wrong, waiting for the hormone treatments after an early miscarriage, waiting to see the if treatments worked, and then waiting to start the whole process over again.

I was also waiting to see if a full-time teaching position was going to work out, and trying to decide if I would take said position depending on when or if we would be starting a family.

Needless to say, there were a lot of questions and very few answers.

Reading through this twenty-year-old journal yesterday threw me for such a loop.  I found myself inside my head in a very uncomfortable way.  I'm a 45-year-old divorced former stay-at-home mom of three and I'm still full of questions and I have fewer answers now than I did then.

I felt the pressure of this distressing realization like a huge rock sitting dead center on my chest.  My very breath felt heavy as I tried to breathe under this boulder. I felt the vice squeeze my temples and noticed the clenching of my jaw.

I wanted to run, but I had no place to go.

How in the effing world am I struggling with so many of the same questions (purpose and path) and it's two decades later?

I was angry at myself and the world.  Angry because I hadn't done more, become more, made something more of myself. Frustrated that I suddenly felt so shitty about myself and couldn't shake it.  Irritated that I was angry and frustrated. Annoyed at all the noise and chaos in my head. Sad. Just sad. And so very tired. And then I felt guilty for being so self-absorbed. All the while hearing my mindfulness self saying, "no judgment."

Yeah, I suck at that sometimes!

Needless to say, yesterday was a fuster cluck inside my head.  It was unpleasant and disturbing and bothersome and stressful and heartbreaking and the list goes on...

So I'm trying to do better today, to be kinder to Deborah.  I decided to write a few things I have learned about myself. To attempt to notice the answers I do have and simply sit with the questions that seem to never fade away.

I am a good friend.  I am a hard worker.  I care deeply for those I love.  I have a lot of love to give.  I want to see the people around me happy and healthy.  I want to share joy and decrease pain.  I enjoy helping people get work done. I don't like seeing people suffer.  I don't like confrontation.  I don't like over-consumption and consumerism. I am comfortable in my own skin.  I love encouraging people. I enjoy cheering for others and helping them learn to cheer for themselves.

It's not all of who I am, but it's a good list. I will continue to sit with the discomfort and the questions. I won't run away or try to escape. I will sit with the good as well.

And I will read and re-read this passage from a book I'm working my way through...

"Confusion is our salvation.  For the confused, there is still hope.  Hang on to your confusion.  In the end it is your best friend, your best defense against the deathliness of others' answers, against being raped by their ideas. If you are confused, you are still free."  Dr. David Hawkins, "Letting Go"

Well, I am wonderfully free, because I'm confused as all get out by this process we call life.  Come walk with me, we'll be confused together, but at least we won't be alone.

Finding My Path-or maybe not? Who knows?

being edited

Reclaiming Holy Spirit

From my journal this morning...

I am learning to reclaim the term Holy Spirit.

The Christian tradition, and specifically the Pentecostal/Charismatic tradition in which I was raised, puts a tremendous emphasis on the Holy Spirit.

We are filled with the Spirit.

The Spirit is with us and dwells in us and leads us and guides us.

The Holy Spirit intercedes for us on our behalf. When we do not have the proper words to pray, the Spirit will pray in our place.

I had lost so much of this as I lost my faith in the very constrained God of my Christian tradition.

I am now finding a way to fully reconnect with the Holy Spirit and I feel my soul come alive, and the energy of that statement resonates so deeply in my being.

I guess I am learning to trust the Holy Spirit again. I'm learning to see the Holy Spirit in my life in a fresh new way. I cannot explain it as well as I once could. At one time in my life, I had all the answers and everything was very black and white and simple. Now I have many more questions and very few answers, but I am so much more alive!

I feel such happiness being able to reconnect and reclaim the term Holy Spirit.

Spirit is redefined and re-imaged in many ways from the ideas with which I grew up, and yet Spirit remains the same.

The boundaries, restraints, and restrictions have fallen away.

Spirit includes everyone and is with each of us and connects us and draws us to one another.

The energy that draws breath into my body draws breath into each body, everybody. The energy that causes my heart to beat, causes each heart to beat.

Every heart around the world beats together in a great chorus, an amazing thunderous symphony of Spirit energy. Each heart connected with, by, and through this Spirit.

There is rhythmic, constant, continual beating.

Some hearts are brand new and beat a rapid rhythm.

Some are very old and beat heavy and slow.

But together they produce a cacophony of thunderous sound, almost silent, but magnificent if you learn to listen and notice.

There is a constant thunderous applause of heartbeats connecting each of us to the other, to all.

This energy, this Holy energy, this Holy Spirit dwells within each of us just waiting to be heard, noticed, and recognized.

This Spirit...

This Energy...

This Love...

This charges me full with the charge of the soul.

My heart does not beat alone.

My heart beats and my lungs breathe as a part of an amazing symphony-the symphony of life.

I can feel it pounding in my chest, beating constantly. I see and feel my chest swell with the Spirit of life.

You are not alone!
None of us are alone.
We are all a part of this splendiferous orchestra.

We are all led by the Holy Spirit.

The Holy Spirit conducts, orchestrates, energizes and we all participate. If you are alive you cannot help but participate.

Be still.

Feel.

Listen.

Know you are not alone. You can never be alone.

Hearts beat,
Lungs breathe,
In constant unison along with you.

The Spirit compels your heart to beat. The Spirit fills you with each breath. The Spirit goes within as you breathe in and sends life pulsing through your body.

The Spirit then flows from you with each exhale, sharing your life force with the world. And you cannot, without ceasing your existence, prevent this constant, continual, amazing, beautiful, sharing of yourself and the Spirit.

You can refuse to notice it.

You can redefine it.

You can rename it.

But you cannot deny nor escape it.

Your heart beats. Your lungs breathe. Energy flows constantly through you.

The Spirit is in you. The Energy keeps you alive. The Holy Spirit connects each and every one of us.

The Holy Spirit-Divine Energy, Divine Light, Amazing Love, it is with you, alive in you, and you cannot escape it.

Even death cannot contain it.

You are wrapped within,
a complete part of,
fully connected to,
this amazing life.

You are not alone.

We are all in this together,
there is no other way.

Continually Learning

Last time I wrote I was tossing around the idea of getting my masters in counseling.  Today, I'm not sure that is the proper path.

I feel like I'm still such a work in progress.  I have been taking some time to try to get to know myself as an individual (no longer a wife, and not as a mom).  I've learned a couple things that might seem obvious, but I can more clearly state these things about myself.

One thing I've learned is that I  am definitely a people person.  I enjoy being around people.

Obvious right?  I know...

And I've known this about myself, but I am now discovering just how much I need to interact with people in order to feel joy in my life.

I have been working from home for my dad's water well business and also substitute teaching.  I enjoy the work I do for my dad because I know how much it helps him out.  But what I've learned is that being at home, in a quiet house, all day is often draining to me.

I began substituting in the elementary school at the beginning of this school year, and I really enjoyed it.  Then in October, I began subbing in the high school and much to my surprise I found I enjoyed it even more.

I absolutely love connecting with the kids in the high school!

Don't get me wrong, I love the little ones.  I love seeing their eyes light up when something clicks, when they realize they read the word right, or they get called to answer a question.  Their love of learning and excitement is contagious.

But in the high school, I do not see this excitement quite as often.  Lately, I find myself being drawn to try to reignite something I see lost in the eyes of many of the teens with whom I come in contact.

Another thing I'm learning (or of which I am becoming fully cognizant) is that I really enjoy encouraging people.

I love to love on those kids in the high school.  I enjoy greeting them as they walk down the hallway, whether they want to be greeted or not. I love shaking a hand and saying hello. I thrive on letting them know that I care.  I want them to know that someone cares.  I want them to feel encouraged to try, encouraged to live, encouraged to learn.

I love sharing the love in my heart. I have so much love to give and I see so many who need to feel loved.  I want to hug each and every one of them. I want them to learn to see themselves the way I see them.

I see them full of life and bursting with potential.

I need people in my life to feel joy.  I want to encourage those around me.  I want them to know they are capable and worthy of love.

I'll to keep you posted.  :)

Listening to My Heart

It's been a minute or two since I posted anything. Fall came and went and now winter is in full swing.

I'm still working on figuring out who I want to be when I grow up.  I've been through a few ideas over the last year.  I've been subbing and trying to decide if I want to go back into the classroom full time.

I love the kids, it's all the other stuff that goes along with being a classroom teacher that gives me pause.  The connections I make with the kids thrills my soul.  I love listening to them talk and getting a glimpse into their world. 

I began subbing in the high school a couple of months back, and this was the first time I had done any teaching at that level.  I have always subbed in the elementary grades.  I love the little ones, but I have come to discover that I really enjoy getting to know the teens as well. 

I have also noticed that so many of them just need a listening ear.  I'm an extrovert, so interacting with people comes naturally to me.  And I've noticed how quickly a teen will open up to me if I simply pay attention to what they are saying.  As a sub, this is much easier to do than as a full-time classroom teacher (especially in the high school).  I'm basically crowd control in the high school.  The classroom teacher leaves an assignment, and I make sure no one acts a fool and that they at least pretend to be doing the work.  :) 

Then, I get to just talk with the kids.  Or I get to just sit and listen to them talk and interact with each other.  I enjoy it very much.  I've been surprised at how easily some of the kids will open up to me when they can see that I'm really paying attention to what they are saying.

I had more support as a teen than anyone can imagine.  Both of my parents attended my school events  And I mean every school event (sports, music, club activities, etc). They didn't miss a thing.  And they weren't just there, they were there with camera and video camera in hand.  I knew I was loved unconditionally and they were truly interested in my life.  I also know that for many kiddos, this is not the case.  Life does not always go smoothly for parents and thus becomes rocky for the kids as well.

So my mind began churning regarding how to be able to be there for those kids who need more support than home is able to provide. 

I want to be a listening ear. 

In a conversation with a friend recently we were discussing how people are responsible for their own decisions.  I said that broken people break people.  His response was that broken people can choose not to break people.  He stated that people who are living in a shitty situation can choose to rise above it or to repeat the pattern.  I agreed but pointed out that, in my experience, in every situation where the pattern had been broken, there was at least one person who spoke love into the troubled life.  It may not have been a parent, but it was someone, at least one.

I want to find a way to be that one.

I want these kids to know that someone cares, truly cares.

I want them to know that I will listen, and I will love them, and I will cheer them on as they navigate this mess we call life.  I want them to know they are loved.  My heart swells with love and compassion for these kiddos.

I'm trying to discern how best to fulfill this longing in my soul.  What is the proper path forward for me in order to provide support for the kids in my little community?

I'm thinking about getting my masters in counseling.  Maybe that would open up the door for me to listen and help.

I'm trying to listen to my heart and work with the feelings that arise.  I'm beginning to notice how my heart feels full and whole when I'm helping others reach their full potential.

I'll keep you posted!