Raw

Yesterday I killed it and made my rug loom.  I'll put some pictures up soon.  I felt like a rock star.

Today I'm not feeling it at all.  There's a bad tape playing in my head and I can't seem to find the pause button.  I get irritated that my headspace can spin so quickly.  I breathe.  I pause.  I try not to get irritated. I feel irritated.  I attempt to sit with the irritation and all the other shitty feelings.  I try not to run from them.  I try not to judge them as shitty.  I sit and work with what comes up.  I try not to judge how well I'm sitting.

This is me. You're welcome.

I just decided to sit and type exactly how I was feeling.  It's kind of scary knowing that if I actually share this post then y'all will see me.  Like really see me.  I don't particularly try to hide.  Honestly I feel like I'm a pretty open gal.  But there are times when I don't write something or share exactly how raw I feel because I don't know that everyone should see me as clearly as they could.  Or better yet, I'm not sure anyone wants to see me that clearly.

I don't want to be rescued.  I don't need to be rescued.  I just feel like being real is worth something in the world today.

So yesterday rocked.  Today I'm dragging and picking myself up very slowly.  Not sure how to explain the change.  Every now and then I still feel like I'm back on that roller coaster, in the dark, that never repeats.  Suddenly there was a drop I wasn't expecting or a turn that jerked me in a direction I wasn't ready for, and I'm off balance and trying to recover.

Today I can't say that there was a sudden drop or unexpected turn.  And I can't even blame it on being a Monday.  Today I feel shitty, and raw, and kind of worthless, and a bit lost, and very tired of all these stupid feelings.  But today is today, and I'll keep breathing through it.

And I'm going to go to a thrift store and look for old t-shirts to turn into t-shirt yarn so I can start working on my rug loom.