This summer has been challenging. My youngest and I made the transition to Texas in June just after my oldest two finished the school year. It was not an easy emotional process, leaving behind two of my three kids. The big kids chose to stay in Pennsylvania for school and friends. I chose to move to Texas for various reasons all due to the divorce. It was not an easy decision, but a necessary one.
I thought the most difficult part would be driving away, and it was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I hoped it would be the last big hurdle to getting the divorce transition behind me, but there was another hurdle to come.
I found out a few weeks after I arrived in TX that my ex had been laid off from his job. This possibility was one of the reasons I chose to relocate. His job loss created some difficulty with things that were supposed to take place regarding the house in PA. The big kids wanted to stay in the house so he was in the process of getting it out of my name. This came to a halt with the job loss situation. And so begins another difficult transition for my big kids as they have to move again.
They have been troopers through all of this transition. I never wanted them to have divorce drama to deal with along with the natural drama that comes with teenage years. My heart was broken many times over when I was unable to save my marriage and my family. Kids should just get to be kids and not have to worry about their family falling apart. It was ridiculously painful for me watching them go through this and not being able to protect them from the pain.
I had hoped that things would start to settle down for all of us. The little one and I were finally settling in here and the big kids were adjusting to life there. And now they have to deal with more uncertainty. They was a lot of drama surrounding this news for the kids, drama that was out of my control. There was a lot of anger directed towards me that could have been prevented if the situation had been handled better on the other end of things. But that is out of my control and I have to work on dealing with their feelings and frustrations as best I can.
Needless to say I've spent a lot of time in prayer and meditation. The prayer is for them to see the truth even when it seems cloudy or hidden, and for them to have the wisdom and emotional strength to deal with the uncertainty.
The meditation has allowed me to sit with all of the chaos and frustration and anger and resentment and hurt and fear. It hasn't exactly been pleasant, to say the least. But I'm trying not to run and hide from the feelings. I'm trying to take each day as it comes and continually be aware of my breath. I'm paying attention to the good and the bad. Trying to let go of the bad and relish the good. I don't want to miss joy because I'm too wrapped up in frustration or sadness. Sometimes it's just a moment of joy: a lost tooth, a wildflower handed to me by a grimy little hand, a splash in the pool as the little one learns to dive. But I want to be present. I don't want to miss the happy moments.
I will say that I'm ready for things to settle down. The stress has taken it's toll on me physically and that concerns me. My body gets achy much too easily and my energy levels are much lower. Again, trying not to worry and just breathe. I have much for which I am grateful, and I am working on putting those thoughts more to the forefront of my mind.
Summer will pass soon enough. I will find all the good memories and hold on to those.
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