Clean that mess up!

I sat down today for my quite time and worked on focusing on my breath and the sounds I noticed in my environment.  I could hear my son cleaning up his room and this made me smile.  

I don't ever bother him about his room and, since he's sixteen, he doesn't usually bother about it either.  It's a mess, and I just keep the door closed.  His space is his to manage.  So I noticed I felt a bit of relief when I heard him cleaning.  I keep the house relatively clean and try to set a good example.  Evidently he notices (at least a little) and the idea that popped into my head when I heard him cleaning was, "He's gonna be alright." 

This all took about 10 seconds to process.  It's amazing how quickly the mind works!  It's fascinating to see just what pops up when you stop and listen.

The rest of my sit was not as pleasant.

I returned my focus to my breath.  I sat and listened. The pleasant thoughts about my son quickly drifted away and were replaced with clouds of sadness.  

Sadness because of so much pain in the world.  A big jump from the delight of a room being cleaned to the weight of the world, I know!

So I take another breath and try to let the cloud pass.

The sadness is quickly replaced with anger which I notice most in the tension I feel across my forehead, in the wrinkling of my eyebrows, and in the tension of my clenched jaw.  I feel frustration and anger with the state of the world.  There are times when the hurt, anger, exclusion, and violence people experience feels like too much to bear.  I notice this most in my body in the crushing weight I feel in the center of my chest.  

I breathe and try to push back against this weight.  I breathe and try to let the thoughts pass, but they are a lead balloon instead of just a dark cloud.  The thoughts and feelings bear down on me.  I feel my head droop and my body is heavy.

I take another breath and notice my mind wondering how the people in the middle of the most painful situations keep going.  I feel angry that humans can be so damn hurtful to other humans.  How hard is it to be kind?  Why is it so difficult to be open-minded and loving?  Why are ignorance and fear so capable of causing so much hurt and pain?  

My throat feels tight and I want to scream loud enough for the entire world to hear me.  I want to scream, "STOP!!!  Stop hating!  Stop hurting!  Stop judging!  Stop being an asshole!"

I try to find my breath and return my focus there.  It doesn't seem to work.  I feel angry and uncomfortable in my seated position.  I breathe and feel helpless.  I feel the ache in my chest to do something. I feel my fists clench in the frustration of not having a clue about what to do.

I desperately want the world to clean up it's bedroom.  I want the world to stop acting like a selfish, angry child.  I want the world to see the mess that's here and decide to tidy things up.  I desperately want too look at the world and think, "It's gonna be alright."

Today I sat still

I sat this morning from 6:00 to 6:20 a.m.  I got my oldest up to get ready for school then took my usual seat for my quiet time.

This morning I noticed just how much I enjoy taking time to sit still.

I sit down and settle in, take a couple of deep breaths and listen.  I hear birds busily chirping outside my window.  I hear the hum of my fan.  I hear my youngest stir in her sleep beside me on the bed.  I listen.

I notice just how heavy I feel sitting here, heavy in a good, comforting way.  I feel heavy, rooted, and stable.  I feel still.  I notice this shows up in a slight smile on my face.  I pay attention to the stillness and feel it wash over me in a gentle wave.

I sit.  I sit still.

I hear a helicopter rumbling by.  I notice I'm thinking about the pilot.  I wonder how busy his morning has already been.  I wonder when his day began.  I appreciate my stillness even more.

Today will get busier.  I have plenty to accomplish before my head hits the pillow tonight.  but for now, I sit.

I sit still.