Or maybe the better word would be chasing. I'm not sure. Maybe it's a combination of both.
I've been practicing mindfulness meditation for several years now. There have been periods of more consistent daily meditation practice, where I actually carve out time and space to physically sit in silence, and there have been periods where I practice on the fly, noticing a sunset or a gentle breeze. I know my life runs more smoothly when I sit for longer periods of time, but I also know that life happens and I work with the moments I'm given.
For about a year now there has been a situation in my life that has provided the opportunity for much personal growth. In working with this particular situation, I have experienced a wide and varied range of emotions and feelings. There is an outcome that I'd like to achieve, but I am not fully capable of determining said outcome on my own. There are multiple contributing factors that are beyond my control.
It recently occurred to me that I have been going about the situation all wrong.
And I'm trying to recognize this folly and notice it without the immediate judgment my brain wants to throw at me, "Idiot, how could you not see what you were doing?"
This is why it's called a "practice." Because throughout this past year, I've been working with this specific ordeal and I'm just now realizing the severity of the things I have been telling myself:
"You should be able to handle this better."
"Get a grip. Get in control of your emotions, girl! WTELAF?" (what the ever loving actual f...)
"How are you still letting this bother you?"
"Get in control!"
"OMG, why are you so upset by this? What is wrong with you?"
"You are practicing meditation, for God's sake, why is this still bothering you?!!!"
All along I've been trying to sit with my emotions and feelings. That's part of the practice. Simply sit. Notice what you are feeling. Let it be.
Let it be.
And I had been doing this.
Or at least I thought I had been doing this. But I had a bit of an epiphany this morning as I read through one of my quiet time readings.
This morning it was the 33 verse of the Tao Te Ching.
One who understands others has knowledge;
one who understands himself has wisdom.
Mastering others requires force;
mastering the self needs strength.
There was some commentary written about the verse. It spoke of shifting your mental energy to allowing yourself to be with whatever you are feeling. There is no need to blame others, or maybe, more importantly, blame yourself for the feelings.
"But you are willing to freely experience your emotions without calling them 'wrong' or needing to chase them away."
"In this way, with this simple exercise at the moment of your dis-ease, you've made a shift to self-mastery."
I've been practicing this very concept for over five years now. Rev. Ken at Wellsprings has used the term dis-ease many times. This is not a new, revelatory word being spoken into my life. And yet, today it shook me in a new way and shed light on my struggle over the past year.
I suddenly realized that all of my sitting and meditating and intention with regard to this particular situation had had an underlying purpose (and I'm trying really hard not to let my self-judgment be harsh). I realized that I have been practicing with an intention of making the feelings go away. I have been practicing to gain mastery over these particular emotions. I have been running from or chasing away these feelings.
It was not obvious because my ego is sneaky. I would sit and tell myself to be present with my feelings. All good. All the way I was taught. I would feel and notice. But what I am realizing is that I was doing all of this with the expectation that the practice would somehow lessen or remove the feelings. There was the expectation that I would gain mastery or the feelings would slowly, magically, fade into the silence of proper meditation.
Mindfulness meditation isn't about changing the situation, running from, or chasing away the feelings. It is about being present with the feelings. I have been frustrated that I could not master the emotions. I have been irritated that I could not remove the feelings. I have been angered that the emotions and feelings did not retreat or remove themselves from my life.
There was a song I knew as a child called "Practice Makes Perfect," on an album called Bullfrogs and Butterflies. It was about a young girl learning to play the piano. There is a line in the song that says, "I guess if I practice, the better I'll be." And while I'm not certain about the "makes perfect" part of the title, the practicing and getting better is something I can appreciate.
I do not enjoy the "dis-ease" that the emotions and feelings create in me. But I am finally learning to truly sit with myself. I will sit. I will be. I will feel what I'm feeling and notice. I will get better at noticing when I'm running or fleeing. I will be better capable of sitting without an ulterior motive.
I am working with letting go of expected outcomes, both within myself and with situations in which I'm involved. I can feel the emotions and feelings, but I do not have to allow them to cause additional disease. I will notice the dis-ease, and let it be.
I will practice letting go of expected results and be with what is here. Relinquishing control of the outcome in my headspace (since I cannot control it anyway) feels wonderful and burden lifting.
I'm definitely still a work in progress, but I will continue my practice.
