I'll be forty-four next month, and I'm single. I've been single for almost three years. Prior to that, I was married for over twenty-one years. If you are any good at math you'll quickly notice that I was very young when I got married.
I did not have to get married, there were no shotguns involved. My ex and I thought we had a pretty good thing going and decided marriage was the perfect next step. We were married almost seven years before we had our first child. We both finished college and my ex went on to complete a master's and a Ph.D. I became a stay-at-home homeschooling mom to three amazing kiddos. He became a professor. We did not go through life all willy nilly. We were thinkers and planners. I thought we were doing a pretty decent job of making a nice little life for ourselves and our family.
Obviously, my ex had other ideas, since he later decided that "our" life was not what he desired, and he proceeded to end our marriage.
So here I sit, almost mid-forties, single, and starting over.
I am not lonely being single. I have my youngest living with me and she is an absolute firecracker. After the divorce, I relocated back near my family so my parents are right around the corner. My sisters and their families are all within a two-hour radius. I have several close friends in the area, and I've made a couple new friends. My days are full of life, work, family, and friends.
I am not lonely.
Which is why I'm confused by the thoughts and feelings clunking around in my head. The feeling that I'm trying to find words to explain is a strange one. It's a feeling that I don't ever remember having before. And I'm not certain that I can fully articulate it. Thinking back to my pre-marriage self (which means to my late teens, I know!) I do not recall ever experiencing this.
I realize that what I'm working with is the question as to whether or not I should be seeking out a new relationship. The words seem to get all garbled up, even as I type them, and sound rather silly.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't remember ever contemplating the deeper purpose or reasons for getting into a relationship. I dated in high school. I dated my ex in college. We got along great, so getting married was just the next step. Of course, I was nineteen and he was twenty, so we weren't exactly shrewd thinkers at the time. I guess I shouldn't fault my teenage self for not pondering these ideas more thoroughly.
But try as I might, I cannot remember ruminating over this question at all.
In high school and college, dating was a normal part of life. I didn't have to try to meet people, I was surrounded with other people my age and socialization always came easily to me. Now, I live outside of a very small town with a population of less than 1300. I work from home. And I'm a full-time single mom (my ex lives 1500 miles away).
So the question arises. Do I want to be in a relationship? And when I look to myself for an answer I draw a huge blank. And then the clunking I mentioned earlier starts up again.
How do I feel about dating? Do I want to date? Why would I want to date? Do I have the emotional energy to try to meet someone? Where in the world would I meet someone? Do I want to be in a relationship? Why would I want to be in a relationship? Where would I find the time for a new relationship? What is the purpose of a relationship anyways?
It's like a bouncy ball of questions and non-answers, and my head is a set of steel drums stacked one on top of the other. The sound is musical and often pretty, but loud enough to be wonderfully distracting and after a while you just long for quiet.
I will continue to sit and listen. I will sit with the music and I will try to pay attention. I will be mindful.
I am learning to recognize things in myself. Through the sitting and listening, I have learned that I have a lot of love to give, that I am a caregiver and a cheerleader. I love doing things for the people in my life, and I love to see them succeed.
I have a lot of people in my life. Is this enough? Should there be one more? Should I be seeking out a significant other?
The music begins again. I will sit and listen.
