I'm packing and getting everything ready for the big move. My body is achy and my right knee will be thrilled to never have to climb stairs again. The trailer will arrive today between noon and 4:00. I plan to use the dolly my neighbor lent me to start toting boxes out. Saturday, with the help of a few friends, we'll load all the big stuff.
The basement is finished with only a couple of boxes waiting to be brought upstairs. I finished the attic yesterday with my littlest's help. My room is done along with my littlest's room. All of those boxes are down stairs, minus one, and stacked in the garage. The kitchen is almost completed, aside from the cookware I use everyday, one coffee cup, and a few dishes for daily use. Now on to the laundry room and to finish up in the garage.
So I'm keeping myself busy and trying to stay focused on the task at hand.
Aside from packing I've been able to spend some quality time with my big kids too. We all played the game Headbands the other day. The youngest one had the best time, laughing and gawking at the various things her siblings were trying to guess they were.
I watched my middle one learn to use the riding lawnmower and mow my yard at Mach 1. It was hilarious and wonderful to see her grinning and singing along to the song in her head as she whizzed by me on the mower.
My oldest sat down on the couch beside me the other day and picked up his sister's guitar. He strummed and sang a song he's teaching himself. It's a funny (barde type) morbid tale of revenge and he sang and played it so well. I didn't realize how much he had learned on the guitar.
Lots of great moments in this final week with all my kids.
So along with the laughter and smiles, I've been dealing with random outbreaks of tears, which currently blur my eyes as I'm trying to type. As I watched my middle Nascar the lawn, I smiled and cried. I listened to my oldest sing and play and couldn't hold back the tears.
I don't want to miss my kids.
I moving and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt it's the right step for me.
But I don't want to miss my kids. I don't want to live without all of them just yet.
They have good friends with good families and for this I am extremely grateful. Their father is attentive and a good provider. They have chosen to stay with their friends and their schools and I understand their choice, but it's god-awful difficult.
I play tricks on my mind saying it's like boarding school. And this helps some. However boarding school is something I would never have chosen on my own.
My oldest noticed that I was tearing up the other day when he was playing and singing. He paused and asked if I was alright. I told him I was, because it was true. I am alright. I also told him that I really enjoy hearing him play. Then I laughed and said that sometimes I want to snap his father in half. He laughed with me and then continued his song of revenge. :)
When he was done, he put the guitar down and gave me a big hug. He asked again if I was ok. I told him that I really was ok. I also told him that he would have to facetime me at least once a week and fill me in on his life. He promised he would. I said that I'm putting on my "Big Girl" face and we'll get through it.
Then I quickly got back to work, singing a line from the song he'd recently finished, before he saw the tears come streaming again.
I want them to know that I will miss them and that this is difficult for me, because I love them so very much. I want them to know how much they mean to me. But I don't want them to worry.
Not once in my teen years did I ever have to worry about my parents emotional well-being. My parents were at every event, camera in hand, cheering me on and supporting me in every endeavor. They were a constant and I am forever grateful. I want my kids to be kids while they still can. I don't want them to worry or fret about me.
I am wearing my big girl undies and I'll put on my big girl face. I want them to see love, compassion, kindness, concern, and strength. It's not about shielding them from my pain, but about showing them how to deal with $h!t and keep your heart open and your head held high.
I hope that's what they learn from me.
Big girl face on and here we go.
